This weekend my peace started to feel kind of in the background when compared to my fear. I was camping with people I love, and don't see often enough. Each of the ladies that I spent my time with are in different places on their journeys. Some have walked where I've walked and have since seen the face of a baby to love forever. Some are still lovingly waiting to see which path their journey will take them on. Others have no idea who I am, who I've been, or what this constant meal of patience pie, cautious cake, and sadness soup tastes like. Each of them sweetly loved me just as I am this weekend. I didn't have to work for it, I couldn't perform perfectly to earn it. I didn't have to explain myself, I was just there, simply Cristy, in their presence, and I was thankful. That was a gift from God because if I had to be present as celebratory carefree Cristy, I would have fallen flat on my face while attempting to "frolic freely". The reason... I feel like that war I wrote about during my last post is still raging on. My peace feels so far away, not gone entirely, but buried deep inside of me where I can barely feel it. It's like I'm the princess, and I'm on all those mattresses, and the peace is the tiny pea, buried under layers and layers of fear and worry and doubt. You see, I'm not sick enough, I haven't thrown up enough, my boobs don't hurt enough. My humanity is grasping at any sliver of proof/data that this one is different than all the ones that came before. I am fantasizing about asking my IVF nurse to pull another beta just so I can have something to go on until next monday. That's right, I'm fantasizing/ practicing my speech....what will I say, what will my compelling argument be? This is not the way I want to be feeling, this is not what I want my baby/babies to feel me feeling. I want for them what God has for them, His sovereign peace. I'm praying God will help me start mothering them now, and will settle His peace over my heart, so that it envelops them fully.
I think I mentioned in an earlier post about the chapel we prayed in the Sunday before the ultrasound during the first cycle. The chapel was dedicated to "Our Lady of Sorrows" also knows as Our Lady of LaSalette. I felt drawn to that little chapel during mass tonight, and after communion we went to pray there again. When I prayed, I asked that for that peace again. When I looked up from my prayer, my eyes focused on the wall next to the cross where big, beautiful, golden letters read "Do not be afraid". I asked my hubby to remind me of those very words while we wait for next Monday to come. He may not realize that I need to hear them spoken over me this week. I invite you all to help me hear them in the deepest parts of my heart, all they way through the mattresses, so that peace envelops all of us in an undeniable way.
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