Yesterday was a good day. We saw the babies again! Both babies are still there! No one vanished! The vanishing twin phenomenon greatly worried me. They measured a little ahead this time. Baby A was 10w6d and Baby B measured 10w4d. Both had heartbeats around 168....considered normal during week 11. I had two favorite parts of the whole thing...
1. At first both babies were still and peaceful in there, all snuggled up. Then, the doc pressed with the ultrasound thingie, and each one, when engaged, moved all four limbs...did a little dance. It was precious to me. To see that evidence of life healed something in me. There were tears. And smile that shone right through them.
2. Yesterday I got to say good bye to my pal "wandy". Yes, friends, a new graduation day. Boy am I happy that part is done. The babies showed right up the "regular way". I am becoming closer and closer to a "regular girl".
My next appointment is 1/13. At that appointment I will be 12w2d pregnant. I will finally be passed that ever elusive safety point. In some ways, I never thought I would get there, never visualized what that would feel like, never dared to dream that far. It hurt too much. The consequence to that is, however ridiculous it is, this girl who has been trying for motherhood for 10 years, is nowhere near ready for what is coming. Nowhere near ready for success. I didn't even dare to dream it. What does that say about my faith in God? I'm not sure. I did a lot of dreaming about children in my arms, how I would nurture them, but the "how" they got there was never clear. The journey was always up to God. And now it's unfolding before me, miraculous, and glorious, in all it's wonder, something only a God who truly loves me could create. So maybe it says a lot about my faith after all? There was no secure plan, there is no choreography to follow. So I'll just strive to do one thing, snuggle up to Him and wait to feel the momentum of the curves up ahead.
The next "curve in the road" is beginning on Jan 4th, and it will surely be a faith walk. Hubby and I get to "step down" the support drugs. We get to only do the progesterone in oil shots every other day, and the estrogen patches are also cut in half. The end of the drug parade is Jan 11th. When 12 weeks are finally behind us. We are thankful that this expensive drug support is finally easing. We are also praying that there are no consequences for the cutting back. The babies look so healthy in there, let's hope their placenta's can take over the heavy lifting seamlessly.
Also, Dr. A wants me to schedule an appointment with the specialist. Not sure when, but the specialist's office is already calling to schedule. I'll keep you in the loop for when that appointment will happen.
And now, something I've been chewing on for a few days....a quick note of apology to anyone I have withdrawn from in the last few weeks: I am sorry for my absence. My heart has missed each of you. I am sorry for the distance. I think I understand the "why" and I would like to share it with you:
1. I am so tired. Scary tired. The kind of tired that makes me worry a little. I have been resting my mind and my body because I am trying to learn to listen to what I need, for them (of course). Its an adjustment for me to not pick up the phone and reach out, to cover in prayer instead of actual talking, to let that be enough. Know that each of you are not far from my heart, even if the frequency of our discussions makes me feel far away.
2. My tired brain is mostly thinking about how to avoid throwing up. Seriously, I'm overcome with how I physically feel, I'm trying to plan the next snack or meal, think of something I can stomach. It's made me obsessive, and I fear that all this focus on food in, food out, has made my relationships suffer. I'm truly sorry for that, and hopeful that there is some relief in this area soon.
3. I think that God was/is doing something with me spiritually. I think that only God knew how hard, emotionally and physically, this first trimester would be for me. I think that God planned some heavy lifting for me in regards to beginning to heal my broken heart, and He wanted me to have some space and time and energy so that He and I could do that good work. This momma has to be healthy and whole for these babies. Thank you for letting me have the space to do the work, and for loving me through with your texts and your calls and your support with blog replies. I know that you are right here with me, I feel you everyday, and I will be back to do my part in the future. Know you are not forgotten, you are loved, and you are always prayed for. I am thankful for each of you.
I pray much love and happiness and peace over each of you in 2014, this year of Hope. Thank you for coming along with me on this road paved with hope. I'm thankful for the company. Cheers!