I'm sorry you haven't heard from me for a few days. I've been chewing on something, and I'm going to attempt to capture for you in the meager attempt below. Here's the thing, we've got a really long way to go. I feel like there is no reason why I should have even an inkling of peace about this. But...somewhere in me, from somewhere new and unknown, do I dare say this out loud, I do have this strange soft peace in me about this pregnancy. That's how I know my Jesus is present all the way through this journey. It's gotta be Him, how else can I explain that I have this peace that surpasses all human understanding.
My "humanity" can't help but point out to to this sense of peace growing inside me that "my body has never protected a baby past 9 weeks". It's like until I pass each of the "traumatic benchmarks" I've lived along this journey my humanity can't rest along side this other part of me that feels this foreign peace this time around. Here are my traumatic benchmarks:
Traumatic Benchmark one: The Pregnancy Test Trauma
1. Yay! We've already passed this one! Every time I POAS and the line showed up a little piece of me started to heal. There is still a shrine of pee sticks on our bathroom counter. All lined up and meticulously labeled. I owe you a picture of that, maybe if you see it you will understand just how broken I am in this area. When I saw that faint line at only 7dp3dt, it was like God was launching a campaign to teach me to live a different story this time.
Traumatic Benchmark two: The Beta Breakdown
2. This one is last weeks news...This is the week of the Beta testing... This little number means everything to a hopeless hopeful. I only had two of these weeks under my belt. The first one was deceptively comforting. This second one has been out of this world awesome. I know better than to let it mean everything. I also know how to google to find the beta base, and have searched high and low to read what other people scored during the beta breakdown. All of this information means almost nothing, but that doesn't stop me from devouring it like a family sized bag of sweet/salty chex mix (you know what I'm talking about!)
Traumatic Benchmark three: Worried about Wandy....The First Ultrasound
3. This is the next benchmark I am striving for. 12/2 at 3:15. It feels like a million miles away, but really its right around the corner. This is where my "human understanding" is currently at complete war with the "peace that transcends understanding". In ten years, I have never had a normal pregnancy ultrasound. The first one at 8 weeks, our baby Gabriel Murray Lafferty measured at 5-6 weeks. The doctor said he saw a heartbeat, I started bleeding the next weekend. The loss occurred at 9 weeks. There were a few late periods, faint pregnancy tests, chemical pregnancies with clomid that followed. We never again saw evidence of a baby in my uterus. July 15, 2013 was the empty uterus scan from hell. To be honest, if that is my experience again, I just might have to be done. This girl just can't have another experience like that. The fear that I have that history will repeat itself is at total war with the weird unfathomable peace that I am feeling. I've never had even an inkling of this peace before. I pray with everything I am that this peace wins this war.
Traumatic Benchmark four: A Dozen Weeks Sounds Like a Dream
4. Reaching this benchmark will feel like graduation day. The faith walk to this day is going to be long and arduous. Between first ultrasound 12/2 and the 12 week mark is a little over 5 weeks. Its over some rough terrain....terrain like Christmas, and LOTS of family time full of hopefulness and uncontainable excitement. People may ask things about names and boy girl preferences and who might be the God parents. Before that 12 week mark, these things feel like daggers. Maybe that won't be the case this time, maybe that peace I'm feeling will envelope me and let me join them. I'm going to start praying for that too. No wonder regular preggo people keep pregnancy a secret until then. This is another burden of IVF, the knowing right away, the people who are closest knowing too. It's a thing.
So I'm going to have to think on what a plan to get through the benchmarks 3 and 4 might look like. With everything else in my life, if I can build a framework, I think maybe I can hang some curtains that remind me to embrace this gift of peace.
Love you.
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