Wednesday, February 26, 2014

18w5d- 19w1d Sweet Faces, Symptoms and Showers

What a terrible blogger I am!  It's been ages!  So much going on!  Lot's of out of town family events!  No excuse for not updating you though!  Many topics to cover, let me try to capture it all (or at least some of it!).  How about a symptom update?

Nausea: Much much better!  Still have waves, but haven't thrown up in a long while.  I can eat and keep it away.  Don't miss it AT ALL!  I was thankful for it as a reminder that  I was really pregnant. Now I have many other reminders:). Including a big old belly.  Growing by the minute. Today, I went to Destination Maternity at Mall of Millenia.  I had to buy larger jeans. In the midst of that, a sales girl actually said to me "you must be due any day now". The pic below is last weekend with my beautiful sisters.  They are, obviously, very into fitness, I'm very into cupcakes and thai food right now.  Usually I can hold my own in the littlish department, right now, I submit to the necessity of the size L.  Whatever it takes to nourish these babies.

Weight Gain: Speaking of nourishment, well my friends, I have an announcement to make. I have met....well goal of gaining 25lbs by 20 weeks!!!!!  This is yet another thing that I never thought I would be proud about.  My babies measured 9oz each at our 18w5d appointment.  We are doing pretty great at the weight gain thing.  So good that my ob said "we were all caught up" weight wise after the difficulties of the first tri.  I think he really meant "ok momma, it's ok to pump the breaks on the eating extravaganza".  

What's new? OMG Heartburn!  This is what was bugging me most these last 6 weeks, really bad at night.  I'm sleeping on an incline (when I can actually sleep).  Feeding my heartburn worked for a few minutes, tums had the same effect.  It was causing some major coughing, making my throat raw.  My GP tried zantac with me, and it worked to take the edge off, but it didn't really solve the problem.  We tried nexium next.....I never thought I would be thrilled to try a heartburn med. My doc said it would change everything. He was right! It's a brave new world!  I can sleep.  The pukiness is really gone. Being able to eat and sleep is making me feel like a whole new woman!

What else is new? Well, I'm swelling.  Mostly the back of my left ankle, sometimes both ankles, sometimes my toes. I didn't exactly have dainty feet before, now they are like tree stumps.   Shoe choices are very much dwindling.  I know this is only the beginning.  I already miss my cute shoes. Small price to pay:).

One more new thing, at the beginning of week 18 I definitely felt the babies move.  Now, at week 19, they are active, and I love every minute. Hubby can't feel them yet.  Soon I hope.  He's leaving for work for next week, home on the weekend, and then gone again the week after.  I don't know what I'll do without him.  His job has been very understanding not making him travel during all the IVF stuff, all will be well over the next few weeks, but I will miss him terribly.

On Thursday at 18w5d we saw the specialist again.  The babies were doing really well, both moving all over the place.  Our little boy caught up to his sister, no more weight discrepancy.  They both had echoes for their hearts, both hearts are beautiful.  All other body parts looked great too. No clefts, no signs of spina bifida. They didn't even bother pushing the rest of the genetic testing on us.  I took that as a good sign.  Also, my cervix looked plenty long, which is good news!  My BP was also good.  If I were swelling and had higher BPs we would have had a very different kind of visit.  Also really exciting news....great pictures of their faces were captured.  It's the closest I've come to ever seeing the face of a child of mine. Our Daughter is on the top and bottom left, our Son on the right. What they can pick up on the 3d ultrasound is amazing.

One more update, the showering with showers has begun.  My name is on a baby shower invite!  I saw it with my own eyes!  It was a bit of a shock to me.  I used to avoid the feelings that would overtake me at the sight of this genre of invite.  I even said "I just can't" to baby showers of some of my favorite people in God's green earth near the end of the nine year wait.  I just couldn't do one more.  Feelings were too raw, I wasn't any fun.  I just gave myself permission to take space from them.  To the women I didn't get to celebrate, know that today I wish I had been strong enough, and that my absence did not mean that I don't care.  

There are three showers on the books right now.  I am completely humbled by the thought of this many people loving us, and wanting to celebrate us.  I'm not great at being the center of attention, I tend to shrink away from it, look for little ways I can "give" instead of "receive", or hide altogether.  I need God to give me the grace to let people love and care for me.  I know this is a silly need to speak of out loud, but something tells me I need to learn this lesson now, so that accepting help is easier for everyone, especially if it benefits these babies. So thankful for the efforts of these cherished, sweet friends and family members of mine.  I'm speechless with gratitude.

Here is the first of the invites, elephants were chosen because I will never forget the nine year journey to these miracles.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

15w5d: "SON AND DAUGHTER" ...Maybe the most beautiful words I've ever heard

The big news this week is that we now know we are expecting a son AND a daughter in July 2014.  Here is the proof you know that I love to have:

We had our appointment at the MFM (AKA Dr. A2, or the "specialist").  My precious momma joined my hubby and I at this one.  I was so glad that my mom was there with us to hear such important news.  My mom was also by my side during the awful empty uterus scan of July 2014.   I was hoping and praying that this ultrasound would be a place to hear healing words for all of us.  The words that were spoken exceeded my expectations.  We heard that the babies were doing great! Their heartbeats were around 141, our son weighs 4oz and our daughter weighs 5oz.  The are snuggled together, kind of spooning each other. Both had their hands near their faces, my girl had one hand on her cheek, which is how I tend to sleep with on hand tucked under my cheek or chin.  My boy had both arms stretched stretched up around his head, and, as you saw, both legs stretched out, as if laying on the beach.  His daddy often rests like this, listening to music or whatever.  Just a small thing, but knowing a bit more about who they are (boy/girl) and how they "rest" makes me feel so much more connected to them.

Speaking of connecting, I'm having trouble in this area.  I'm ashamed to say, that I'm having trouble believing in my children, believing that they are real, believing that I WILL get to hold them.  It's as if I expect them to disappear at any moment, making all of this joy and hope and faith a cruel "just kidding".  I am so thankful to my doctors for letting me see them every time I go.  I am so thankful for my growing belly.  I will probably cry like a big baby when I can feel them move.  The 9 years of waiting and hoping and praying really broke something in me that I'm not sure I even understand.  I want to trust their little hearts to keep beating.  I want to trust my body to keep them in so they can grow big and strong and healthy.  I am so thankful for how far we've come, and I do feel way less anxious than during those first 12 weeks.  I do need to learn to trust everything though.  To believe that I will feel the weight of them in my arms.  To trust this miracle.  I'm so sorry to my Jesus who does not deserve my doubt and fear.  I know that He loves me anyway, and He will use every word of truth spoken over us, like healthy and well, to heal what those 9 years of loss and waiting and disappointment tore asunder.  I'm also thankful for every one of God's image bearers in my life, who speak life giving words of truth over me and over this pregnancy every day.  I couldn't take even one step without each of you.

Here is my belly at 15w7d
I'm working a wild pattern here that's pretty out of my box!  But thank God for borrowed maternity clothes!

I want to say thank you to my Sweet Momma who made the trip to be by my side.  I will never forget that she was close enough to hold me when we heard how well they were doing this week.  My mom is the one who first spoke the words "Son and Daughter" over us.  Something shifted in me when I heard it.  I also know that her momma, our dear Dreama was present and ready to hold us both.  There were three generations of mothers and daughters represented in that room.   My mom has walked through every step of this journey with us.  Sometimes at a bit of a distance, letting us find our way, and sometimes down right carrying me.  I don't have words for what her presence and constant faith means to me. Thank you Momma.