37 weeks...I lost my voice in it all

Hello friends.  I have started at least 10 blog posts since you last heard from me.  Seriously, I even had great material, two more beautiful showers, great news, names picked out, and sweet little miracles along the way.  And I was on modified bedrest!  There was time and space to share my heart with you.

But that's just it, my heart had no voice.  I was silenced by...I don't really know....part of it was fear, part of it was awe (and still is)....part of it was protective....part of it was the unknown...bottom line is I wasn't ready and didn't have words.  I still don't know that I have the words, so I am going to try to give you a factual time line, and then come back with "exploratory entries" in the future.

Before I rattle on and on, let me ease your minds.  All of us are ok!  Today I reached the HUGE milestone of being considered "full term" 37 weeks. Here are some of the things that happened between April and today, July 5th:

• April 12th: My sisters and family threw us a beautiful shower in Clearwater, FL.  Wonderful pics of the event were taken courtesy of Forever Yours Photography.  That weekend we also had our maternity shoot (which surprisingly was my hubby's idea.  Can't believe it was his idea, thought I would have to DRAG him to any further opportunities for posed pics.

• April 25th: My coworkers threw a wonderful shower for us too!  It exceeded all of my expectations!  The hostesses really love me and us, and it showed in every detail! Pics to follow when I write about it in the future.
• 27 weeks 2 days....April 29th: A teeeeeeeny bit of spotting, and a higher than normal BP with TONS of swelling led to complete bedrest for one week.  This was also my first trip to labor and delivery.  Babies were ok, cervix was unchanged, no scary pre-eclampsia, just a flukey thing.  But they found during the monitoring that I was contracting quite a bit, and diagnosed me with an irritable uterus. Sent me home on continued bedrest until I saw the specialist on May 5th, where he switched it to modified bedrest.

From our exciting trip to labor and delivery

• Between 27 weeks and 31 weeks there was lots of hoopla and excitement about contractions. I think this is because our girls head was resting right on my cervix.  
• May 28th...31weeks 3 days: Baby boy was 3lbs 10oz and Baby Girl was 4lbs 2 oz. MFM determined that baby b was a week behind and baby a was a week ahead, the size of the discrepancy between their weights meant that there was concern about blood flow in the placenta.  They started seeing me every week for a BPP (biophysical profile) of the babies and a doppler of the cords.  This is really just an ultrasound. Here is a great pic of him:

• During the  BPP on 6/4 week 32 she turned back to breach, and the contractions became much less frequent.  We also got this great picture of her that week:

• June 16: Boy caught up with girl enough where we were no longer worried.  Boy measured 5lbs Girl measured 5lbs 11oz
• June 23: BPP fine, everybody still breach, scheduled c section for 7.7.14
• June 30: Boy 6lbs Girl 6lbs 8oz, no great pics because everyone is being shy.  Their little heads are still close together though, like they are telling secrets:).

So there you have it.  I promise to go back and fill in some of these blanks with actual thoughts and feelings.  This probably won't actually happen until after they are born!  But it will happen:).  

Here is how I am feeling today:

As someone who has had a terrible track record with fertility, struggled every step of the way, I feel like I just crossed a finish line of some kind since my body has managed to hold onto these babies for 37 weeks.  I honestly never thought that would happen.  I was prepared for every scenario (as prepared as you can be anyway).  I think God is trying to teach me to trust him and my body and let go of who I thought I was these past ten years of struggling.  Those words "considered full term" meant so much to me when I read them this morning from one of the silly preggo apps I have been indulging in.  Thank you all for caring about my journey...in just two wake ups I get to meet these little people we've been fighting for all this time.

24w0d: What a Welcome!

On 4/6 I attended the most beautiful shower!  I am still struggling to wrap my mind around that such a wonderful party was thrown just for us and these babies.  It turned out so beautifully!  Beyond anything I could have dreamed of.  I am humbled by the work and care that went into every detail.  The home of sweet Lidya was the perfect venue.  I could see the hearts of Lydia and my sweet friends Rebecca and Cheryl and Ashli in each carefully planned and executed detail. It was wonderful to look around each room/space in the house and see the faces of so many people who love us and who have prayed for us these past nine years.  I am humbled by the love that looked back at me.  I don't know if each of them realize that they were chosen by God to launch a campaign to walk beside me

, sometimes carry me through some of the saddest years of my life.  I wonder if they know that each of them played a part in teaching me what the love of God really is, and who God really is.  I also wonder if they know that they were the hands and feet, arms and shoulders, of the body of Christ when I needed Him most.

The generosity of the the guests at the shower astounded me.  I was filled in awe at the piles of goodies lovingly provided by everyone who came.  These babies are the most prayed for and lovingly welcomed babies this world has ever seen.  This momma plans to tell them so every day I get to hold them.

Here are some pics of the event...

23w6d: Best Appointment Ever!

On 3/31 we had the best appointment we've ever had, no questions were brought up that we don't already have the answer for. We aren't headed for more testing right now.  No results to wait for. Everything the ultrasound saw was the best it could be.  Nothing emerged that we should watch for.  The babies are looking wonderful.  Our girl is weighing in at 1lb 5 oz, and our boy is 1lb 4oz. Hoping we have more appointments like this to look forward to.  In other big news, this week my friends and familly are throwing us our first shower.  I am filled with heavy joy at the thought.  More joy than heavy for sure!  Thankful.

Our girl at 23w6d

our girl pouting!

Our son.

Our son snuggling.

(Drafted 3/31...Posted late!  Sorry!)

22w2d: Failing and Flailing Around in There!

Wanted to let you know that the doppler came back all clear.  No blood clots in my legs to worry about.  More testing adventures have followed....Last week we had the wonderful experience of the gestational diabetes test...otherwise known as the Glucose tolerance test.  We started with the one hour test on Monday.  I failed by 15 points.  I hear that this is a very normal occurrence for twin moms.  For many singleton moms too.  My punishment for failing was the three hour test which is a special brand of torture for a Friday morning. It's a fasting test, requires 4 blood draws over three hours, and the sugar high from the drink is not a good feeling.  I'm sporting a big bruise from the blood draws, but as an IVF survivor, I'm used to the needles.  I had some decent TV to watch in between blood draws.  For anyone worried about how this test works, here is the break down.  Fast for 12 hours before the test, when you arrive at your appointment (early AM is the only way to go) you will be brought back for a blood draw, afterward you drink this very sweet drink that was fruit punch flavored and not as bad as everyone says it is, then you will be given three times to return for blood draws each draw is one hour from the last (ex. 9:12, 10:12, 11:12).  After the last blood draw, stay there and eat/drink something.  After no water and food for all that time I was pretty woozy.  Driving would have been dangerous.  I had a protein bar, and a full bottle of water before I got to my car.  Then I was fine driving to the office.  A half hour later I was not so fine.  Here is what happened...

My sweet friends from work organized a bday lunch for me for right after the test.  I'm turning 36 tomorrow.  It's the first birthday in 9 years where I'm not looking through the filter of infertility and feeling the weight of the sorrow that has been my constant companion along this road. After the test, and after my drive to the office, I met up with the ladies and we headed out to lunch.  We drove separately since it was the friday before spring break and in teacher land that means we get to leave early.  Five minutes into the drive I could feel my blood sugar start to bottom out.  I felt clammy and really yucky.  I ate some of those belvita breakfast biscuits and drank another bottle of water. I still felt weak and shaky by the time I got there (only a few miles drive).  It wasn't until I got some red meat in me that I finally started to recover.  I must've really needed some protein.  The restaurant was tapas style spanish cuisine, and it was excellent!  I love those ladies!

I called this morning and found out my test results.  We passed the three hour test!  So even though I failed the 1 hour test by 15 points, it's still possible to come out ok in the end.  Hang in there if you are in that situation.  One good thing came of this, the blood work showed that I had borderline low iron (hemoglobin 10.5).  This means they are starting me on iron therapy.  Other twin mommas say that the iron therapy thing is just a matter of time with a twin pregnancy.  So the fact that they discovered a need before I was really really deficient feels like a win.  I don't want anyone going without in there!  Maybe now I will get to feel the benefit of that second trimester energy surge?  That has thus far eluded me, and maybe now we know why.  I've been on the iron for three days, and I already feel a difference, both in the way I feel, and the river dance auditions going on in my uterus.  These two are all over the place in there!  I am really excited to see them again at the MFM on 3/31.  I want to know if they are still in the same positions, or if they have moved somewhere else.  As it stands, when I feel kicks up high and to the right, I tend to think it's our boy.  When I lean forward and feel little kicks deep and down low, I think its our girl.  I think she is at more of an anterior placement because I can't see her kicks from the outside.  At least I think that's what's happening!  We will see when the MFM appointment rolls around.

We see the regular OB on wednesday, and I have requested that they take a look at my cervix via ultrasound.  I've been on my feet some lately (the swelling is better because of the low salt diet), and I've been busy and resting less, and I want to make sure there is no thinning going on in there.  

Here is a pick of me taken at bday lunch after the three hour test:

Here we are at a wedding vow renewal this past weekend:

20w4d: While Smiling, and Still Thankful.

Just a quick update: 

Went to see my regular OB on Monday.  The babies sound great.  I'm measuring about 6 weeks ahead of schedule.  I've gained 35 lbs.  I've never seen the numbers showing up on the scale these days...NEVER.  I'm only 20 weeks.  I've got quite a few weeks to go here, many lbs ahead of me.  Planning to take it all in stride.  Whatever it takes for these babies to be healthy, happy, and heavy enough to stay with us from moment one. 

The time has come for me to get tested for gestational diabetes.  Need more details on what that test entails.  The orange drink is my worst nightmare for sure.  Praying they will have the hawaiian punch flavor.  Also praying it comes out ok.

I'm also going in for a venous doppler tomorrow (an ultrasound on my legs).  I've had recurrent leg pain when I'm on my feet.  In the same area, the back of my right knee and calf.  As a precaution the OB ordered the doppler.  It's happening tomorrow afternoon. It will be good to know I'm blood clot free, one less common twin complication to worry about!  Took a half day after the test to spend some quality time with my momma.  She's in town with Dad for a conference.

I'm already growing out of most of the maternity clothes I've bought or received.  This is a problem.  So unbelievably thankful to have this particular problem.

I'm over the hump of most of my preggo symptoms thank goodness.  Except for the bone crushing exhaustion.  Speaking of, I need to get to bed.  Signing off, while smiling, and still thankful.

18w5d- 19w1d Sweet Faces, Symptoms and Showers

What a terrible blogger I am!  It's been ages!  So much going on!  Lot's of out of town family events!  No excuse for not updating you though!  Many topics to cover, let me try to capture it all (or at least some of it!).  How about a symptom update?

Nausea: Much much better!  Still have waves, but haven't thrown up in a long while.  I can eat and keep it away.  Don't miss it AT ALL!  I was thankful for it as a reminder that  I was really pregnant. Now I have many other reminders:). Including a big old belly.  Growing by the minute. Today, I went to Destination Maternity at Mall of Millenia.  I had to buy larger jeans. In the midst of that, a sales girl actually said to me "you must be due any day now". The pic below is last weekend with my beautiful sisters.  They are, obviously, very into fitness, I'm very into cupcakes and thai food right now.  Usually I can hold my own in the littlish department, right now, I submit to the necessity of the size L.  Whatever it takes to nourish these babies.

Weight Gain: Speaking of nourishment, well my friends, I have an announcement to make. I have met....well exceeded......my goal of gaining 25lbs by 20 weeks!!!!!  This is yet another thing that I never thought I would be proud about.  My babies measured 9oz each at our 18w5d appointment.  We are doing pretty great at the weight gain thing.  So good that my ob said "we were all caught up" weight wise after the difficulties of the first tri.  I think he really meant "ok momma, it's ok to pump the breaks on the eating extravaganza".  

What's new? OMG Heartburn!  This is what was bugging me most these last 6 weeks, really bad at night.  I'm sleeping on an incline (when I can actually sleep).  Feeding my heartburn worked for a few minutes, tums had the same effect.  It was causing some major coughing, making my throat raw.  My GP tried zantac with me, and it worked to take the edge off, but it didn't really solve the problem.  We tried nexium next.....I never thought I would be thrilled to try a heartburn med. My doc said it would change everything. He was right! It's a brave new world!  I can sleep.  The pukiness is really gone. Being able to eat and sleep is making me feel like a whole new woman!

What else is new? Well, I'm swelling.  Mostly the back of my left ankle, sometimes both ankles, sometimes my toes. I didn't exactly have dainty feet before, now they are like tree stumps.   Shoe choices are very much dwindling.  I know this is only the beginning.  I already miss my cute shoes. Small price to pay:).

One more new thing, at the beginning of week 18 I definitely felt the babies move.  Now, at week 19, they are active, and I love every minute. Hubby can't feel them yet.  Soon I hope.  He's leaving for work for next week, home on the weekend, and then gone again the week after.  I don't know what I'll do without him.  His job has been very understanding not making him travel during all the IVF stuff, all will be well over the next few weeks, but I will miss him terribly.

On Thursday at 18w5d we saw the specialist again.  The babies were doing really well, both moving all over the place.  Our little boy caught up to his sister, no more weight discrepancy.  They both had echoes for their hearts, both hearts are beautiful.  All other body parts looked great too. No clefts, no signs of spina bifida. They didn't even bother pushing the rest of the genetic testing on us.  I took that as a good sign.  Also, my cervix looked plenty long, which is good news!  My BP was also good.  If I were swelling and had higher BPs we would have had a very different kind of visit.  Also really exciting news....great pictures of their faces were captured.  It's the closest I've come to ever seeing the face of a child of mine. Our Daughter is on the top and bottom left, our Son on the right. What they can pick up on the 3d ultrasound is amazing.

One more update, the showering with showers has begun.  My name is on a baby shower invite!  I saw it with my own eyes!  It was a bit of a shock to me.  I used to avoid the feelings that would overtake me at the sight of this genre of invite.  I even said "I just can't" to baby showers of some of my favorite people in God's green earth near the end of the nine year wait.  I just couldn't do one more.  Feelings were too raw, I wasn't any fun.  I just gave myself permission to take space from them.  To the women I didn't get to celebrate, know that today I wish I had been strong enough, and that my absence did not mean that I don't care.  

There are three showers on the books right now.  I am completely humbled by the thought of this many people loving us, and wanting to celebrate us.  I'm not great at being the center of attention, I tend to shrink away from it, look for little ways I can "give" instead of "receive", or hide altogether.  I need God to give me the grace to let people love and care for me.  I know this is a silly need to speak of out loud, but something tells me I need to learn this lesson now, so that accepting help is easier for everyone, especially if it benefits these babies. So thankful for the efforts of these cherished, sweet friends and family members of mine.  I'm speechless with gratitude.

Here is the first of the invites, elephants were chosen because I will never forget the nine year journey to these miracles.

15w5d: "SON AND DAUGHTER" ...Maybe the most beautiful words I've everheard

The big news this week is that we now know we are expecting a son AND a daughter in July 2014.  Here is the proof you know that I love to have:

We had our appointment at the MFM (AKA Dr. A2, or the "specialist").  My precious momma joined my hubby and I at this one.  I was so glad that my mom was there with us to hear such important news.  My mom was also by my side during the awful empty uterus scan of July 2013.   I was hoping and praying that this ultrasound would be a place to hear healing words for all of us.  The words that were spoken exceeded my expectations.  We heard that the babies were doing great! Their heartbeats were around 141, our son weighs 4oz and our daughter weighs 5oz.  The are snuggled together, kind of spooning each other. Both had their hands near their faces, my girl had one hand on her cheek, which is how I tend to sleep with on hand tucked under my cheek or chin.  My boy had both arms stretched stretched up around his head, and, as you saw, both legs stretched out, as if laying on the beach.  His daddy often rests like this, listening to music or whatever.  Just a small thing, but knowing a bit more about who they are (boy/girl) and how they "rest" makes me feel so much more connected to them.

Speaking of connecting, I'm having trouble in this area.  I'm ashamed to say, that I'm having trouble believing in my children, believing that they are real, believing that I WILL get to hold them.  It's as if I expect them to disappear at any moment, making all of this joy and hope and faith a cruel "just kidding".  I am so thankful to my doctors for letting me see them every time I go.  I am so thankful for my growing belly.  I will probably cry like a big baby when I can feel them move.  The 9 years of waiting and hoping and praying really broke something in me that I'm not sure I even understand.  I want to trust their little hearts to keep beating.  I want to trust my body to keep them in so they can grow big and strong and healthy.  I am so thankful for how far we've come, and I do feel way less anxious than during those first 12 weeks.  I do need to learn to trust everything though.  To believe that I will feel the weight of them in my arms.  To trust this miracle.  I'm so sorry to my Jesus who does not deserve my doubt and fear.  I know that He loves me anyway, and He will use every word of truth spoken over us, like healthy and well, to heal what those 9 years of loss and waiting and disappointment tore asunder.  I'm also thankful for every one of God's image bearers in my life, who speak life giving words of truth over me and over this pregnancy every day.  I couldn't take even one step without each of you.

Here is my belly at 15w7d

I'm working a wild pattern here that's pretty out of my box!  But thank God for borrowed maternity clothes!

I want to say thank you to my Sweet Momma who made the trip to be by my side.  I will never forget that she was close enough to hold me when we heard how well they were doing this week.  My mom is the one who first spoke the words "Son and Daughter" over us.  Something shifted in me when I heard it.  I also know that her momma, our dear Dreama was present and ready to hold us both.  There were three generations of mothers and daughters represented in that room.   My mom has walked through every step of this journey with us.  Sometimes at a bit of a distance, letting us find our way, and sometimes down right carrying me.  I don't have words for what her presence and constant faith means to me. Thank you Momma.

14w3d Not to worry:)

Sorry I haven't been posting!  It occurred to me today that some of you (especially those who have walked the distance with me) may be tempted to believe that something awful has happened in my absence from the blog-o-sphere.  I can certainly understand why with my history! We had an OB appointment today, got to take another look.  Both babies look great, albeit it a lot more squished in there.  Heartbeats were good again.  I am so relieved!  I had worked myself into a frenzy a bit.  Here is what has been up with me...

You may recall a few weeks ago that I mentioned a sinus infection a-brewing.  I responded responsibly by getting into see my GP early and was given an antibiotic.  We believed we were catching it early and he only gave me amoxicillin.  I really struggle with my sinuses, and allergies, and I am no stranger to the sinus infection/antibiotic/never quite better cycle that has been a part of my life during the Jan-March season every year.  The ante has been "upped" in recent years however.  The last two years my lungs keep getting involved.  The infection turns into bronchitis after a few weeks. When my lungs are involved it wipes me out like nothing else.  A minimum of 5 days of wet noodle time. This bronchitis has turned into pneumonia once so far...which almost led me to a hospitalization...and my usual regimen of steroid nasal sprays, eye drops, allergy meds are not great for the babies.  I'm stuck with the neti pot, breath rite strips, and rest.  I had a feeling when he prescribed me the amoxicillin that it wasn't going to do the trick.  Unfortunately I was right.  On Wednesday of last week a sore throat and hacking cough added to my symptoms. By thursday I was a wet noodle, no good to anyone, could barely get a sentence out before the hacking ensued, which to my great delight, added to my already sensitive gag reflex.  My team mates insisted I go home early and completely handled the heavy lifting of a 200 person meeting/presentation.  I left right after. So thankful for them!  I took Friday and Monday off as well, and although the hacking is at least productive now, and less violent, it is still exhausting.  My wet noodle status this time is totally compounded my the complete energy suckage these babies are responsible for.  Therein lies my reason for not writing...that and we are had some quiet weeks with no real news to report.

So, thankfully, I'm on the mend.  I'm listening to my body, and resting for as long as it takes to keep these babies safe.  I got scared because the coughing was violent, I kept having major round ligament pain.  I was worried I had torn something and that bleeding would ensue any moment.  I was so relieved when nothing of the sort occurred, and I finally got to see them today via ultrasound.  So thankful.

The next big milestone will be another scan at Dr. A2's office on wednesday the 5th.  That's our specialist's office.  My momma is going to join us at that one, she and I need a good, healing ultrasound experience together after our July experience (the empty uterus scan of our first IVF cycle that I have mentioned throughout other posts). Also, if everyone cooperates, and "assumes the position" we may find out the sexes of the babies:).  Maybe we will at least get a good guess, to be confirmed later.  Here's hoping!  Still on our "Road Paved with Hope".  Love to you, talk soon.

12w3d The Bump is Growing

Hi friends.  The bump is growing!  Saw the little ones yesterday at our regular every two week appointment.  They look great.  Heartbeats were identical again. 157. Baby A and Baby B really rocking and rolling in there.  On the ultrasound it looks like they are running out of room!  Out here, I can tell this is the case, because there is no more wearing of regular pants.  Even my largest yoga pants are uncomfortable.  I asked my hubby if I absolutely HAVE to wear PANTS to WORK, he looked horrified.  Dresses would probably be way more comfy, but its actually a little bit too cool, yes folks even in FL, for short dresses. Another complication for the short dress option, my legs have been hiding for months and are not ready for a debut. Yes, I'm self conscious about my lily white, almost translucent, skin.  Gotta get over that fast, since tanning is not on the menu. I'm on the lookout for maternity tights...we shall see.

I've only gained like 8 lbs after all, doc says fluctuating is normal.  Doc also said that the specialist said my only risk factors were my "advanced maternal age" and the "twinness".  That feels like great news to this girl.

Speaking of news....the news is WAY OUT! I know we went "facebook official" before we actually made it to twelve weeks...but now we are "office official" which feels weird.  People are thrilled for me.  I'm thankful for all the well wishes.  My team has started counting me out of future plans, and saying "but you won't be here" after many sentences.  I know that they are right, and they are just transitioning in their own way. I'm not quite sure how I feel about all that.  I guess I need to start transitioning too.

The most exciting thing I have to report, is that YES, we are in week 13!  At 12w3d we have made it past that 12 week benchmark!  With big green lights from our specialist and doc, and many ultrasounds with dancing little ones to call our own.  I feel so far away from the waiting, heartbroken woman I have been for the past 9 years.  How can that be?  I'm still her.  I wish that this hopeful, happy, peaceful Cristy didn't feel like such a foreign land.  I hope the people who loved me before, still recognize me now, and will be patient with me while I'm trying to wrap my mind around that this is really happening, in real life, to us.  That boulder in my heart that used to block off the hopeful part of my heart is beginning to roll down a hill, that looks a bit like my belly does now;).  Praise God.

Apparently the belly pic is a "rite of passage" for preggos everywhere.  I'm trying to get with the program after avoiding exposure to things such as this for 9 years.  I'm ready for the belly to look less fatty and more baby.  Either way I'm proud and thrilled to to have gotten this far.

11w5d...Ultrasound Extraordinaire

***Big Sigh of Relief*** Today's appointment with the specialist went great! Dr. A2 was almost all business.  I don't know if you read yesterday's post...but he served me exactly what I wanted, he's going to follow me every four weeks, he says the babies look good, he said my weight gain and nutrition look good.  He talked us into the blood test/screening...which I had no intention of considering.  It will not affect the outcome either way, this momma would never consider choosing anything but life.  He talked about other benefits of the info, and hubby agreed to it.  They both had heart rates of 157...little matching hearts. The anatomy scan took some time, so we got to see them for a long time.  There was a lot of moving going on!  Baby A was a total show off!  First view the baby was stretched out, legs out, arms up, like a relaxing on the beach pose.  Little does the little one know, we don't have the skin for long laying on the beach!  Hubby was worried that the little's knees were not working, voiced it, and next thing you know the legs kicked in and out as if saying "watch me Dad!".  Baby A continued to perform the whole ultrasound, even when we were trying to focus on Baby B.  Competing already!!!  Baby A did give us a "bird's eye view".  No twig and berries were observed!  It's too early to be sure, but maybe we have a little ballerina in there?  Baby B seemed to have a whole different personality!  Hubby said it seemed like Baby B might have a personality type B...this one seemed to move only when he or she felt like it....started out facing away from us, moved around eventually as if to say, "ok fine, I'm up!".  Waved at us a bit like "Hey mom, what's up?".  Didn't come close to "assuming the position".  We are going to have to wait for any real confirmation of the sex to the babies.  My favorite part of the whole thing was seeing their beautiful profiles.  It's the closest I've come to seeing the faces of my babies. I've loved all the ones that I have lost without their faces etched into my mind.  To know even this much, to have seen the shape of each nose and chin, makes this even more real, and makes the love grow exponentially.  So thankful for every part of today.  Even thankful for the two hour wait, I met a lovely woman of God who did a wonderful job of distracting me from being nervous and nauseas.  Her husband, clearly a mighty man of God, reminded me of the blessing God brings to us in the waiting.  He made me want to revisit the Daniel study I never finished. I will have to consider it.  They don't know it, but I prayed for every baby/momma/daddy in that waiting room.  Prayed for their lives and their happiness.  Then, later, I found my self in the presence of wonderful friends, some new, some tried and true, each so loving and invested in the success of this pregnancy.  Everywhere I looked today I found love.  Sometimes I can barely stand to be in the presence of such love, like my unworthiness gives me a migraine akin to the result of staring into the sun. I have to remember that each helping of love is served straight through God's image bearers to my heart.  It's His way of holding me close here on earth.  Boy did He make sure I received some extrasqueezes  today.  So thankful and humbled.  Take a look at these beauties:

11w4d...Back to work with a Bump

Hello friends. It's here! I'm in week 12! On January 11th week 12 will be behind us. Tomorrow, a new journey with the specialist begins.  I'm seeing Dr. A2 (my specialist's name also starts with a...so we are going to call him A2) tomorrow at 10 for a consult and an ultrasound.  I'm wondering about this appointment a little...what will be discussed...what will a specialist have to say about my history and the twinness, and the crohn's, etc. etc.?  Maybe nothing...maybe to this specialist I will be no big deal?  Twins are really common these days...

Here's the thing, I don't know that I want to be regarded as "no big deal".  There is also not much room in here for an alarmist perspective. I would like to sign up for something from the "happy medium" menu.  Something like, "we are going to follow you once every four weeks or so, but you are doing great, so I am really not worried".  Where do I sign up for that kind of care?

Either way, here is what I am standing on lately in regards to evidence of success thus far:

1.  I have now had 4 successful (perfect) ultrasounds.  During the last one, on 12/30, these little lovlies MOVED!  That is the kind of proof of life this girl needs!

2.  My preggo symptoms are reliable.  They follow the same pattern as others who have held their babies and gazed into their sweet little eyes.  Here is an example...I read that around week 10/11 some women experience an "easing" of their nausea.  This has happened for me too.  I haven't thrown up in 4 days, and counting.  The nausea isn't gone, which is both annoying and comforting.  It's just eased....its more like it was in the beginning when I could eat when it started and distract my tummy into forgetting about puking.  This is quite a relief, especially since I'm back at work and am happy to avoid more public puking.  Apparently, around now, the placentas have taken over supporting the pregnancy, making the "holding on" to the babies less dependent on the HCG, which is what makes us feel so yucky.  Maybe, because I have two placentas in there, it's happening a bit before week 12 is over for me?  Also, these sea bands have really helped!  They aren't cute, but they are "cuter" than puking!

3. I have a baby bump!!!  It's undeniable now. It's a cute little bump that is spreading upwards every day.  I've gained 11 lbs so far, but I can only see it in my belly.  I wish I had my favorite paige jeans in maternity right about now!  Until then, I'm settling for leggings and sweat pants.  And I've pulled out all of my size eight pants...none of them are the straight leg syle I've come to love, but I can make due I suppose.  This is going to be a fashion adventure to be sure, especially since I will look like I'm 9 months at 6 months with twins.  If any twin moms out there have tips, I'd love to hear them!

Also, we are weaning off of the support meds this week.  Thus far, there has been no symptom changes to report with the removal of half of the estrogen and the progesterone.    I have had a crazy headache for a few days, but I think that is more about a sinus infection I'm fighting instead of a withdrawal from the estrogen headache.  If I'm lucky, I will get to wait until actual menopause to suffer from one of those again!

So take a deep breath fellow hopeful sisters (and a few brothers).  Jan 11th is 4 days away!  Certainly we can do four more days.  I feel like I've been playing this hard-as-hell game of "Red Rover" the last 9 years.  I feel like this 12 week mark is some kind of marathon finish line, in my head this "finish line" is really made up of fearful people holding hands with an iron grip, waiting for me to attempt yet another run to try to break through the 12 week mark.  Well this time, we have this God given peace that has wavered a bit due to my flawed humanity, but this peace has never EVER left.  I'm ready to make another run at the red rover line.  This time, however, I will be visualizing this line as comprised of the people who love us. And instead of an iron grip and fearful faces, I'm going to imagine arms thrown open in hugs.  When we announced on facebook this week over a hundred people sent us love.  We were overwhelmed by the response, and humbled to think of all the prayers for us and these babies that have stormed the gates of heaven these past nine years. We are so thankful.