tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64515618785854879242024-02-21T10:40:03.996-08:00On A Road Paved With HopeMy hubby and I have been hiking Mt. inFertility for almost 10 years. We have been faithfully keeping our eyes on God on this journey to parenthood. There has been love, loss, laughter, and always hope.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-21093183694410159212014-07-05T06:32:00.000-07:002014-07-05T06:32:37.092-07:0037 weeks...I lost my voice in it allHello friends. I have started at least 10 blog posts since you last heard from me. Seriously, I even had great material, two more beautiful showers, great news, names picked out, and sweet little miracles along the way. And I was on modified bedrest! There <b>was</b> time and space to share my heart with you.<br />
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But that's just it, my heart had no voice. I was silenced by...I don't really know....part of it was fear, part of it was awe (and still is)....part of it was protective....part of it was the unknown...bottom line is I wasn't ready and didn't have words. I still don't know that I have the words, so I am going to try to give you a factual time line, and then come back with "exploratory entries" in the future.<br />
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Before I rattle on and on, let me ease your minds. All of us are ok! Today I reached the HUGE milestone of being considered "full term" 37 weeks. Here are some of the things that happened between April and today, July 5th:<br />
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<li>April 12th: My sisters and family threw us a beautiful shower in Clearwater, FL. Wonderful pics of the event were taken courtesy of Forever Yours Photography. That weekend we also had our maternity shoot (which surprisingly was my hubby's idea. Can't believe it was his idea, thought I would have to DRAG him to any further opportunities for posed pics.</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq6mh0RW6XKlodkuLKZVNFcKKC75lUHNJaezh9dTZWvYEhpjV77B7rF-Iarf_Ggw0_vkWuoPZI_cOLNyL_CqWGwXANOUHJNFRSh9eE5LXk0v8fF_mJmff61j9Z5KFGdAt5FLae34vyGkk/s1600/IMG_2278.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq6mh0RW6XKlodkuLKZVNFcKKC75lUHNJaezh9dTZWvYEhpjV77B7rF-Iarf_Ggw0_vkWuoPZI_cOLNyL_CqWGwXANOUHJNFRSh9eE5LXk0v8fF_mJmff61j9Z5KFGdAt5FLae34vyGkk/s1600/IMG_2278.JPG" height="319" width="320" /></a></div>
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<li>April 25th: My coworkers threw a wonderful shower for us too! It exceeded all of my expectations! The hostesses really love me and us, and it showed in every detail! Pics to follow when I write about it in the future.</li>
<li>27 weeks 2 days....April 29th: A teeeeeeeny bit of spotting, and a higher than normal BP with TONS of swelling led to complete bedrest for one week. This was also my first trip to labor and delivery. Babies were ok, cervix was unchanged, no scary pre-eclampsia, just a flukey thing. But they found during the monitoring that I was contracting quite a bit, and diagnosed me with an irritable uterus. Sent me home on continued bedrest until I saw the specialist on May 5th, where he switched it to modified bedrest.</li>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From our exciting trip to labor and delivery</td></tr>
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<li>Between 27 weeks and 31 weeks there was lots of hoopla and excitement about contractions. I think this is because our girls head was resting right on my cervix. </li>
<li>May 28th...31weeks 3 days: Baby boy was 3lbs 10oz and Baby Girl was 4lbs 2 oz. MFM determined that baby b was a week behind and baby a was a week ahead, the size of the discrepancy between their weights meant that there was concern about blood flow in the placenta. They started seeing me every week for a BPP (biophysical profile) of the babies and a doppler of the cords. This is really just an ultrasound. Here is a great pic of him:</li>
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<li>During the BPP on 6/4 week 32 she turned back to breach, and the contractions became much less frequent. We also got this great picture of her that week:</li>
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<li>June 16: Boy caught up with girl enough where we were no longer worried. Boy measured 5lbs Girl measured 5lbs 11oz</li>
<li>June 23: BPP fine, everybody still breach, scheduled c section for 7.7.14</li>
<li>June 30: Boy 6lbs Girl 6lbs 8oz, no great pics because everyone is being shy. Their little heads are still close together though, like they are telling secrets:).</li>
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So there you have it. I promise to go back and fill in some of these blanks with actual thoughts and feelings. This probably won't actually happen until after they are born! But it will happen:). </div>
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Here is how I am feeling today:</div>
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As someone who has had a terrible track record with fertility, struggled every step of the way, I feel like I just crossed a finish line of some kind since my body has managed to hold onto these babies for 37 weeks. I honestly never thought that would happen. I was prepared for every scenario (as prepared as you can be anyway). I think God is trying to teach me to trust him and my body and let go of who I thought I was these past ten years of struggling. Those words "considered full term" meant so much to me when I read them this morning from one of the silly preggo apps I have been indulging in. Thank you all for caring about my journey...in just two wake ups I get to meet these little people we've been fighting for all this time.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-50951055700623298962014-04-10T06:38:00.001-07:002014-04-10T06:38:29.633-07:0024w0d: What a Welcome!On 4/6 I attended the most beautiful shower! I am still struggling to wrap my mind around that such a wonderful party was thrown just for us and these babies. It turned out so beautifully! Beyond anything I could have dreamed of. I am humbled by the work and care that went into every detail. The home of sweet Lidya was the perfect venue. I could see the hearts of Lydia and my sweet friends Rebecca and Cheryl and Ashli in each carefully planned and executed detail. It was wonderful to look around each room/space in the house and see the faces of so many people who love us and who have prayed for us these past nine years. I am humbled by the love that looked back at me. I don't know if each of them realize that they were chosen by God to launch a campaign to walk beside me<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>, sometimes carry me through some of the saddest years of my life. I wonder if they know that each of them played a part in teaching me what the love of God really is, and who God really is. I also wonder if they know that they were the hands and feet, arms and shoulders, of the body of Christ when I needed Him most.<div><br></div><div>The generosity of the the guests at the shower astounded me. I was filled in awe at the piles of goodies lovingly provided by everyone who came. These babies are the most prayed for and lovingly welcomed babies this world has ever seen. This momma plans to tell them so every day I get to hold them.</div><div><br></div><div>Here are some pics of the event...</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZglD-6OVlihb3J30GSWcxr3-uhCTVF7jSKFVk2Q4VQMvTjAfZy6o8CB5jW4FKrrlTspAgL-UiAaCvPFK0V05mRyv8pj5S18Mct_Y3M_RwuFB-TGDDK4pdOLE5pvmPb9tFdsiPALA_Awg/s640/blogger-image--1033848547.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZglD-6OVlihb3J30GSWcxr3-uhCTVF7jSKFVk2Q4VQMvTjAfZy6o8CB5jW4FKrrlTspAgL-UiAaCvPFK0V05mRyv8pj5S18Mct_Y3M_RwuFB-TGDDK4pdOLE5pvmPb9tFdsiPALA_Awg/s640/blogger-image--1033848547.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBJ-Q3jyt8BjwxAm7XCGMxTB2iEgdFp00lxRa3eyipPETnydp0J91v1c8rQ-zwScfMlIr1DZ7zuMf13R3WKZr_sjTMgE7bP3YYnrZwUf8T161S8AIawHoE7qnise_Mm54Ysy92Dsn8tI0/s640/blogger-image-1877420718.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBJ-Q3jyt8BjwxAm7XCGMxTB2iEgdFp00lxRa3eyipPETnydp0J91v1c8rQ-zwScfMlIr1DZ7zuMf13R3WKZr_sjTMgE7bP3YYnrZwUf8T161S8AIawHoE7qnise_Mm54Ysy92Dsn8tI0/s640/blogger-image-1877420718.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuYGXrwzmTx3m53ZqJUU4bsmJO_JmeUlDan-LYhng5OL77cqqxdcKc5CLzINaNjZ-nZ843CNJSmSFUrB95C_ebBJBrsOxHxfA9Xy5P1TXJH_FIHp1kf8QX9VWGL8LGu_e3c9Pu4-M8jFQ/s640/blogger-image-1874530584.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuYGXrwzmTx3m53ZqJUU4bsmJO_JmeUlDan-LYhng5OL77cqqxdcKc5CLzINaNjZ-nZ843CNJSmSFUrB95C_ebBJBrsOxHxfA9Xy5P1TXJH_FIHp1kf8QX9VWGL8LGu_e3c9Pu4-M8jFQ/s640/blogger-image-1874530584.jpg"></a></div><br></div><br></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-17559727313568688022014-04-04T12:20:00.001-07:002014-04-10T05:30:25.950-07:0023w6d: Best Appointment Ever!On 3/31 we had the best appointment we've ever had, no questions were brought up that we don't already have the answer for. We aren't headed for more testing right now. No results to wait for. Everything the ultrasound saw was the best it could be. Nothing emerged that we should watch for. The babies are looking wonderful. Our girl is weighing in at 1lb 5 oz, and our boy is 1lb 4oz. Hoping we have more appointments like this to look forward to. In other big news, this week my friends and familly are throwing us our first shower. I am filled with heavy joy at the thought. More joy than heavy for sure! Thankful.<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlhY2Mrd-EgcQwBTn3WOV6xVr3fKa9IwyTN51E3DBzNcGXYZC8Ti1suG7dKWJJkEdgPi2Ze6rOfg2utoW6rlM9jU4qCWqBZWlgLsWUVwRXDf4bGtkAsWGjnIFOYrkVFlemuARHCXxRyoM/s640/blogger-image-172068637.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlhY2Mrd-EgcQwBTn3WOV6xVr3fKa9IwyTN51E3DBzNcGXYZC8Ti1suG7dKWJJkEdgPi2Ze6rOfg2utoW6rlM9jU4qCWqBZWlgLsWUVwRXDf4bGtkAsWGjnIFOYrkVFlemuARHCXxRyoM/s640/blogger-image-172068637.jpg"></a>Our girl at 23w6d</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwnxWBP2vD7k6mvKRXJC42wFVuP4aK4qBCb8riKkcNnhjdthuwij3-0xqThvqiCHUwO4m82J24i3pg_kY4MfJWzAG-wKKKKOpcGL2kvkpYhTX8a3IygHU543HNQUrM7TisMAK7IXNNSj0/s640/blogger-image--840120328.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwnxWBP2vD7k6mvKRXJC42wFVuP4aK4qBCb8riKkcNnhjdthuwij3-0xqThvqiCHUwO4m82J24i3pg_kY4MfJWzAG-wKKKKOpcGL2kvkpYhTX8a3IygHU543HNQUrM7TisMAK7IXNNSj0/s640/blogger-image--840120328.jpg"></a>our girl pouting!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJLQ39mTauuyV0uWcZl5tH6QYW-fJ0_QkkrmYPuSNKojSwJWW1TwBE8d7fg2FFdbFw_Td3EGMrXhliFLeGvDKg8Yd7XdDJ6aDBKqLtjs8E1W4tPwNufc7BiJs6F0okGrnzoxZjiL7bMIM/s640/blogger-image--691594307.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJLQ39mTauuyV0uWcZl5tH6QYW-fJ0_QkkrmYPuSNKojSwJWW1TwBE8d7fg2FFdbFw_Td3EGMrXhliFLeGvDKg8Yd7XdDJ6aDBKqLtjs8E1W4tPwNufc7BiJs6F0okGrnzoxZjiL7bMIM/s640/blogger-image--691594307.jpg"></a>Our son.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihzODHonVGXDcx8azd4TP600MjQvdFn1SiMEWxSNUhc34O-lnC4sXKckFXJGHp9cQletWN3NPiwQIvHn8LpvZeZWpPcZfDPgW7quDI-ySSh_3JiFurqj9B2uOq-bwbRuER9oOyRVtLIkk/s640/blogger-image--1611443694.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihzODHonVGXDcx8azd4TP600MjQvdFn1SiMEWxSNUhc34O-lnC4sXKckFXJGHp9cQletWN3NPiwQIvHn8LpvZeZWpPcZfDPgW7quDI-ySSh_3JiFurqj9B2uOq-bwbRuER9oOyRVtLIkk/s640/blogger-image--1611443694.jpg"></a>Our son snuggling.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">(Drafted 3/31...Posted late! Sorry!)</div><br></div><br></div><br></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-26211293994883117692014-03-24T11:09:00.001-07:002014-03-24T11:20:41.097-07:0022w2d: Failing and Flailing Around in There!<div><div>Wanted to let you know that the doppler came back all clear. No blood clots in my legs to worry about. More testing adventures have followed....Last week we had the wonderful experience of the gestational diabetes test...otherwise known as the Glucose tolerance test. We started with the one hour test on Monday. I failed by 15 points. I hear that this is a very normal occurrence for twin moms. For many singleton moms too. My punishment for failing was the three hour test which is a special brand of torture for a Friday morning. It's a fasting test, requires 4 blood draws over three hours, and the sugar high from the drink is not a good feeling. I'm sporting a big bruise from the blood draws, but as an IVF survivor, I'm used to the needles. I had some decent TV to watch in between blood draws. For anyone worried about how this test works, here is the break down. Fast for 12 hours before the test, when you arrive at your appointment (early AM is the only way to go) you will be brought back for a blood draw, afterward you drink this very sweet drink that was fruit punch flavored and not as bad as everyone says it is, then you will be given three times to return for blood draws each draw is one hour from the last (ex. 9:12, 10:12, 11:12). After the last blood draw, stay there and eat/drink something. After no water and food for all that time I was pretty woozy. Driving would have been dangerous. I had a protein bar, and a full bottle of water before I got to my car. Then I was fine driving to the office. A half hour later I was not so fine. Here is what happened...</div><div><br></div><div>My sweet friends from work organized a bday lunch for me for right after the test. I'm turning 36 tomorrow. It's the first birthday in 9 years where I'm not looking through the filter of infertility and feeling the weight of the sorrow that has been my constant companion along this road. After the test, and after my drive to the office, I met up with the ladies and we headed out to lunch. We drove separately since it was the friday before spring break and in teacher land that means we get to leave early. Five minutes into the drive I could feel my blood sugar start to bottom out. I felt clammy and really yucky. I ate some of those belvita breakfast biscuits and drank another bottle of water. I still felt weak and shaky by the time I got there (only a few miles drive). It wasn't until I got some red meat in me that I finally started to recover. I must've really needed some protein. The restaurant was tapas style spanish cuisine, and it was excellent! I love those ladies!</div><div><br></div><div>I called this morning and found out my test results. We passed the three hour test! So even though I failed the 1 hour test by 15 points, it's still possible to come out ok in the end. Hang in there if you are in that situation. One good thing came of this, the blood work showed that I had borderline low iron (hemoglobin 10.5). This means they are starting me on iron therapy. Other twin mommas say that the iron therapy thing is just a matter of time with a twin pregnancy. So the fact that they discovered a need before I was really really deficient feels like a win. I don't want anyone going without in there! Maybe now I will get to feel the benefit of that second trimester energy surge? That has thus far eluded me, and maybe now we know why. I've been on the iron for three days, and I already feel a difference, both in the way I feel, and the river dance auditions going on in my uterus. These two are all over the place in there! I am really excited to see them again at the MFM on 3/31. I want to know if they are still in the same positions, or if they have moved somewhere else. As it stands, when I feel kicks up high and to the right, I tend to think it's our boy. When I lean forward and feel little kicks deep and down low, I think its our girl. I think she is at more of an anterior placement because I can't see her kicks from the outside. At least I think that's what's happening! We will see when the MFM appointment rolls around.</div><div><br></div><div>We see the regular OB on wednesday, and I have requested that they take a look at my cervix via ultrasound. I've been on my feet some lately (the swelling is better because of the low salt diet), and I've been busy and resting less, and I want to make sure there is no thinning going on in there. </div><div><br></div><div>Here is a pick of me taken at bday lunch after the three hour test:</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh91oCrj3Nul2xu68GuipIJgs67X5L6y1f6EYJcDc9vaF0eEH82ZALtsYwd-cytZMJrM2s3LQ0C9-St3YD0PK5oR_5OX6UfmmnRqkBoBCxO_O_p6FNJjIn4dMCgyQ5E2gqFtqikVxzUUQM/s640/blogger-image-407062644.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh91oCrj3Nul2xu68GuipIJgs67X5L6y1f6EYJcDc9vaF0eEH82ZALtsYwd-cytZMJrM2s3LQ0C9-St3YD0PK5oR_5OX6UfmmnRqkBoBCxO_O_p6FNJjIn4dMCgyQ5E2gqFtqikVxzUUQM/s640/blogger-image-407062644.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div><div>Here we are at a wedding vow renewal this past weekend:</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUVQVWyVPLA3_wggr8NGC_3clhGv60FRQx1DjhPJfHgRMyK5rEH6TRJTs4S1KISzoki34QuaWIzTWxo26iz-3MmdfbhRDiBNT4iGFE3Xx0QjuJMBD05ozbdIBN9QgtZldzTfZtem9cE2Y/s640/blogger-image-388168133.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUVQVWyVPLA3_wggr8NGC_3clhGv60FRQx1DjhPJfHgRMyK5rEH6TRJTs4S1KISzoki34QuaWIzTWxo26iz-3MmdfbhRDiBNT4iGFE3Xx0QjuJMBD05ozbdIBN9QgtZldzTfZtem9cE2Y/s640/blogger-image-388168133.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-54020582385253954622014-03-11T19:20:00.001-07:002014-03-11T19:20:45.189-07:0020w4d: While Smiling, and Still Thankful.Just a quick update: <div>Went to see my regular OB on Monday. The babies sound great. I'm measuring about 6 weeks ahead of schedule. I've gained 35 lbs. I've never seen the numbers showing up on the scale these days...NEVER. I'm only 20 weeks. I've got quite a few weeks to go here, many lbs ahead of me. Planning to take it all in stride. Whatever it takes for these babies to be healthy, happy, and heavy enough to stay with us from moment one. </div><div><br></div><div>The time has come for me to get tested for gestational diabetes. Need more details on what that test entails. The orange drink is my worst nightmare for sure. Praying they will have the hawaiian punch flavor. Also praying it comes out ok.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm also going in for a venous doppler tomorrow (an ultrasound on my legs). I've had recurrent leg pain when I'm on my feet. In the same area, the back of my right knee and calf. As a precaution the OB ordered the doppler. It's happening tomorrow afternoon. It will be good to know I'm blood clot free, one less common twin complication to worry about! Took a half day after the test to spend some quality time with my momma. She's in town with Dad for a conference.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm already growing out of most of the maternity clothes I've bought or received. This is a problem. So unbelievably thankful to have this particular problem.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm over the hump of most of my preggo symptoms thank goodness. Except for the bone crushing exhaustion. Speaking of, I need to get to bed. Signing off, while smiling, and still thankful.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-7095102872523116012014-02-26T17:30:00.001-08:002014-03-02T09:18:16.258-08:0018w5d- 19w1d Sweet Faces, Symptoms and ShowersWhat a terrible blogger I am! It's been ages! So much going on! Lot's of out of town family events! No excuse for not updating you though! Many topics to cover, let me try to capture it all (or at least some of it!). How about a symptom update?<div><br></div><div>Nausea: Much much better! Still have waves, but haven't thrown up in a long while. I can eat and keep it away. Don't miss it AT ALL! I was thankful for it as a reminder that I was really pregnant. Now I have many other reminders:). Including a big old belly. Growing by the minute. Today, I went to Destination Maternity at Mall of Millenia. I had to buy larger jeans. In the midst of that, a sales girl actually said to me "you must be due any day now". The pic below is last weekend with my beautiful sisters. They are, obviously, very into fitness, I'm very into cupcakes and thai food right now. Usually I can hold my own in the littlish department, right now, I submit to the necessity of the size L. Whatever it takes to nourish these babies.</div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Weight Gain: Speaking of nourishment, well my friends, I have an announcement to make. I have met....well exceeded......my goal of gaining 25lbs by 20 weeks!!!!! This is yet another thing that I never thought I would be proud about. My babies measured 9oz each at our 18w5d appointment. We are doing pretty great at the weight gain thing. So good that my ob said "we were all caught up" weight wise after the difficulties of the first tri. I think he really meant "ok momma, it's ok to pump the breaks on the eating extravaganza". </span></div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaskDH1yNje6lcDumcRetZKY5QbFqjb1V0g2mjeOgGhNjjY4bq3l_V3fUvH0wZJQ72XbiTFQi1ThvPfLOy1mJwLnOHKsIzyGpBnZrRQbGU58bTisPbtW4ESgqkDuCY0QlGSDPCJydxSQI/s640/blogger-image--459937300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaskDH1yNje6lcDumcRetZKY5QbFqjb1V0g2mjeOgGhNjjY4bq3l_V3fUvH0wZJQ72XbiTFQi1ThvPfLOy1mJwLnOHKsIzyGpBnZrRQbGU58bTisPbtW4ESgqkDuCY0QlGSDPCJydxSQI/s640/blogger-image--459937300.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>What's new? OMG Heartburn! This is what was bugging me most these last 6 weeks, really bad at night. I'm sleeping on an incline (when I can actually sleep). Feeding my heartburn worked for a few minutes, tums had the same effect. It was causing some major coughing, making my throat raw. My GP tried zantac with me, and it worked to take the edge off, but it didn't really solve the problem. We tried nexium next.....I never thought I would be thrilled to try a heartburn med. My doc said it would change everything. He was right! It's a brave new world! I can sleep. The pukiness is really gone. Being able to eat and sleep is making me feel like a whole new woman!</div><div><br></div><div>What else is new? Well, I'm swelling. Mostly the back of my left ankle, sometimes both ankles, sometimes my toes. I didn't exactly have dainty feet before, now they are like tree stumps. Shoe choices are very much dwindling. I know this is only the beginning. I already miss my cute shoes. Small price to pay:).</div><div><br></div><div>One more new thing, at the beginning of week 18 I definitely felt the babies move. Now, at week 19, they are active, and I love every minute. Hubby can't feel them yet. Soon I hope. He's leaving for work for next week, home on the weekend, and then gone again the week after. I don't know what I'll do without him. His job has been very understanding not making him travel during all the IVF stuff, all will be well over the next few weeks, but I will miss him terribly.</div><div><br></div><div>On Thursday at 18w5d we saw the specialist again. The babies were doing really well, both moving all over the place. Our little boy caught up to his sister, no more weight discrepancy. They both had echoes for their hearts, both hearts are beautiful. All other body parts looked great too. No clefts, no signs of spina bifida. They didn't even bother pushing the rest of the genetic testing on us. I took that as a good sign. Also, my cervix looked plenty long, which is good news! My BP was also good. If I were swelling and had higher BPs we would have had a very different kind of visit. Also really exciting news....great pictures of their faces were captured. It's the closest I've come to ever seeing the face of a child of mine. Our Daughter is on the top and bottom left, our Son on the right. What they can pick up on the 3d ultrasound is amazing.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuM8MZxcaI-F9Odzj9Co3TJtR3wzpcLlPrZmJGF_qwxnYMZFYkoYpCBioAJwR46HCkfswXC9pmxjyD4Ok1nwn5HD-3xGZAzx17lkbFBD1HDW8BiFKEaIG47s1Hy9jxJckdw3HxH7kklRo/s640/blogger-image--826476947.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuM8MZxcaI-F9Odzj9Co3TJtR3wzpcLlPrZmJGF_qwxnYMZFYkoYpCBioAJwR46HCkfswXC9pmxjyD4Ok1nwn5HD-3xGZAzx17lkbFBD1HDW8BiFKEaIG47s1Hy9jxJckdw3HxH7kklRo/s640/blogger-image--826476947.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">One more update, the showering with showers has begun. My name is on a baby shower invite! I saw it with my own eyes! It was a bit of a shock to me. I used to avoid the feelings that would overtake me at the sight of this genre of invite. I even said "I just can't" to baby showers of some of my favorite people in God's green earth near the end of the nine year wait. I just couldn't do one more. Feelings were too raw, I wasn't any fun. I just gave myself permission to take space from them. To the women I didn't get to celebrate, know that today I wish I had been strong enough, and that my absence did not mean that I don't care. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">There are three showers on the books right now. I am completely humbled by the thought of this many people loving us, and wanting to celebrate us. I'm not great at being the center of attention, I tend to shrink away from it, look for little ways I can "give" instead of "receive", or hide altogether. I need God to give me the grace to let people love and care for me. I know this is a silly need to speak of out loud, but something tells me I need to learn this lesson now, so that accepting help is easier for everyone, especially if it benefits these babies. So thankful for the efforts of these cherished, sweet friends and family members of mine. I'm speechless with gratitude.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Here is the first of the invites, elephants were chosen because I will never forget the nine year journey to these miracles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXnmAg2ehpYDm8fIcVnqmgnbiaImcD6hN2712xSwnSfNy3la0VTeDN3tdfGa8_bnDreDeKn16GWQHRu587EncoXK_2ds7_UqVkb5BjaEFN-5L1ibhloylt76f25zYWaTVRqF_4MdiafzE/s640/blogger-image-1651757431.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXnmAg2ehpYDm8fIcVnqmgnbiaImcD6hN2712xSwnSfNy3la0VTeDN3tdfGa8_bnDreDeKn16GWQHRu587EncoXK_2ds7_UqVkb5BjaEFN-5L1ibhloylt76f25zYWaTVRqF_4MdiafzE/s640/blogger-image-1651757431.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXnmAg2ehpYDm8fIcVnqmgnbiaImcD6hN2712xSwnSfNy3la0VTeDN3tdfGa8_bnDreDeKn16GWQHRu587EncoXK_2ds7_UqVkb5BjaEFN-5L1ibhloylt76f25zYWaTVRqF_4MdiafzE/s640/blogger-image-1651757431.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxKD_pF8oL_kryv6LfX40g5ASUNHrKxYxpS1vJlGDpIjeXgq4JZSvgz7JR8i18bADLBV1yKpnR9tHSidzH3EvG5wc_5ErGVdkDv6PUWCFtjbAM_dOIJx0HR5S2bMmI3vNMAWkXQRbMnOs/s640/blogger-image--803958168.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxKD_pF8oL_kryv6LfX40g5ASUNHrKxYxpS1vJlGDpIjeXgq4JZSvgz7JR8i18bADLBV1yKpnR9tHSidzH3EvG5wc_5ErGVdkDv6PUWCFtjbAM_dOIJx0HR5S2bMmI3vNMAWkXQRbMnOs/s640/blogger-image--803958168.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><br></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-19752526621534235532014-02-08T12:18:00.001-08:002019-04-04T20:39:29.028-07:0015w5d: "SON AND DAUGHTER" ...Maybe the most beautiful words I've everheard<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">The big news this week is that we now know we are expecting a son AND a daughter in July 2014. Here is the proof you know that I love to have:</span></div>
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We had our appointment at the MFM (AKA Dr. A2, or the "specialist"). My precious momma joined my hubby and I at this one. I was so glad that my mom was there with us to hear such important news. My mom was also by my side during the awful empty uterus scan of July 2013. I was hoping and praying that this ultrasound would be a place to hear healing words for all of us. The words that were spoken exceeded my expectations. We heard that the babies were doing great! Their heartbeats were around 141, our son weighs 4oz and our daughter weighs 5oz. The are snuggled together, kind of spooning each other. Both had their hands near their faces, my girl had one hand on her cheek, which is how I tend to sleep with on hand tucked under my cheek or chin. My boy had both arms stretched stretched up around his head, and, as you saw, both legs stretched out, as if laying on the beach. His daddy often rests like this, listening to music or whatever. Just a small thing, but knowing a bit more about who they are (boy/girl) and how they "rest" makes me feel so much more connected to them.</div>
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Speaking of connecting, I'm having trouble in this area. I'm ashamed to say, that I'm having trouble believing in my children, believing that they are real, believing that I WILL get to hold them. It's as if I expect them to disappear at any moment, making all of this joy and hope and faith a cruel "just kidding". I am so thankful to my doctors for letting me see them every time I go. I am so thankful for my growing belly. I will probably cry like a big baby when I can feel them move. The 9 years of waiting and hoping and praying really broke something in me that I'm not sure I even understand. I want to trust their little hearts to keep beating. I want to trust my body to keep them in so they can grow big and strong and healthy. I am so thankful for how far we've come, and I do feel way less anxious than during those first 12 weeks. I do need to learn to trust everything though. To believe that I will feel the weight of them in my arms. To trust this miracle. I'm so sorry to my Jesus who does not deserve my doubt and fear. I know that He loves me anyway, and He will use every word of truth spoken over us, like healthy and well, to heal what those 9 years of loss and waiting and disappointment tore asunder. I'm also thankful for every one of God's image bearers in my life, who speak life giving words of truth over me and over this pregnancy every day. I couldn't take even one step without each of you.</div>
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Here is my belly at 15w7d</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I'm working a wild pattern here that's pretty out of my box! But thank God for borrowed maternity clothes!</span></div>
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I want to say thank you to my Sweet Momma who made the trip to be by my side. I will never forget that she was close enough to hold me when we heard how well they were doing this week. My mom is the one who first spoke the words "Son and Daughter" over us. Something shifted in me when I heard it. I also know that her momma, our dear Dreama was present and ready to hold us both. There were three generations of mothers and daughters represented in that room. My mom has walked through every step of this journey with us. Sometimes at a bit of a distance, letting us find our way, and sometimes down right carrying me. I don't have words for what her presence and constant faith means to me. Thank you Momma.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-69908513131166555132014-01-27T16:22:00.001-08:002014-01-27T17:17:41.056-08:0014w3d Not to worry:)<div>Sorry I haven't been posting! It occurred to me today that some of you (especially those who have walked the distance with me) may be tempted to believe that something awful has happened in my absence from the blog-o-sphere. I can certainly understand why with my history! We had an OB appointment today, got to take another look. Both babies look great, albeit it a lot more squished in there. Heartbeats were good again. I am so relieved! I had worked myself into a frenzy a bit. Here is what has been up with me...</div><div><br></div><div>You may recall a few weeks ago that I mentioned a sinus infection a-brewing. I responded responsibly by getting into see my GP early and was given an antibiotic. We believed we were catching it early and he only gave me amoxicillin. I really struggle with my sinuses, and allergies, and I am no stranger to the sinus infection/antibiotic/never quite better cycle that has been a part of my life during the Jan-March season every year. The ante has been "upped" in recent years however. The last two years my lungs keep getting involved. The infection turns into bronchitis after a few weeks. When my lungs are involved it wipes me out like nothing else. A minimum of 5 days of wet noodle time. This bronchitis has turned into pneumonia once so far...which almost led me to a hospitalization...and my usual regimen of steroid nasal sprays, eye drops, allergy meds are not great for the babies. I'm stuck with the neti pot, breath rite strips, and rest. I had a feeling when he prescribed me the amoxicillin that it wasn't going to do the trick. Unfortunately I was right. On Wednesday of last week a sore throat and hacking cough added to my symptoms. By thursday I was a wet noodle, no good to anyone, could barely get a sentence out before the hacking ensued, which to my great delight, added to my already sensitive gag reflex. My team mates insisted I go home early and completely handled the heavy lifting of a 200 person meeting/presentation. I left right after. So thankful for them! I took Friday and Monday off as well, and although the hacking is at least productive now, and less violent, it is still exhausting. My wet noodle status this time is totally compounded my the complete energy suckage these babies are responsible for. Therein lies my reason for not writing...that and we are had some quiet weeks with no real news to report.</div><div><br></div><div>So, thankfully, I'm on the mend. I'm listening to my body, and resting for as long as it takes to keep these babies safe. I got scared because the coughing was violent, I kept having major round ligament pain. I was worried I had torn something and that bleeding would ensue any moment. I was so relieved when nothing of the sort occurred, and I finally got to see them today via ultrasound. So thankful.</div><div><br></div><div>The next big milestone will be another scan at Dr. A2's office on wednesday the 5th. That's our specialist's office. My momma is going to join us at that one, she and I need a good, healing ultrasound experience together after our July experience (the empty uterus scan of our first IVF cycle that I have mentioned throughout other posts). Also, if everyone cooperates, and "assumes the position" we may find out the sexes of the babies:). Maybe we will at least get a good guess, to be confirmed later. Here's hoping! Still on our "Road Paved with Hope". Love to you, talk soon.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-52963499648456427362014-01-14T15:14:00.001-08:002014-01-14T15:28:37.435-08:0012w3d The Bump is Growing<div><div>Hi friends. The bump is growing! Saw the little ones yesterday at our regular every two week appointment. They look great. Heartbeats were identical again. 157. Baby A and Baby B really rocking and rolling in there. On the ultrasound it looks like they are running out of room! Out here, I can tell this is the case, because there is no more wearing of regular pants. Even my largest yoga pants are uncomfortable. I asked my hubby if I absolutely HAVE to wear PANTS to WORK, he looked horrified. Dresses would probably be way more comfy, but its actually a little bit too cool, yes folks even in FL, for short dresses. Another complication for the short dress option, my legs have been hiding for months and are not ready for a debut. Yes, I'm self conscious about my lily white, almost translucent, skin. Gotta get over that fast, since tanning is not on the menu. I'm on the lookout for maternity tights...we shall see.</div><div><br></div><div>I've only gained like 8 lbs after all, doc says fluctuating is normal. Doc also said that the specialist said my only risk factors were my "advanced maternal age" and the "twinness". That feels like great news to this girl.</div><div><br></div><div>Speaking of news....the news is WAY OUT! I know we went "facebook official" before we actually made it to twelve weeks...but now we are "office official" which feels weird. People are thrilled for me. I'm thankful for all the well wishes. My team has started counting me out of future plans, and saying "but you won't be here" after many sentences. I know that they are right, and they are just transitioning in their own way. I'm not quite sure how I feel about all that. I guess I need to start transitioning too.</div><div><br></div><div>The most exciting thing I have to report, is that YES, we are in week 13! At 12w3d we have made it past that 12 week benchmark! With big green lights from our specialist and doc, and many ultrasounds with dancing little ones to call our own. I feel so far away from the waiting, heartbroken woman I have been for the past 9 years. How can that be? I'm still her. I wish that this hopeful, happy, peaceful Cristy didn't feel like such a foreign land. I hope the people who loved me before, still recognize me now, and will be patient with me while I'm trying to wrap my mind around that this is really happening, in real life, to us. That boulder in my heart that used to block off the hopeful part of my heart is beginning to roll down a hill, that looks a bit like my belly does now;). Praise God.</div><div><br></div></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLv5DL0f_F3U4pxXzH4cQwVbPpM26H1oWVgQQM-9p4pmHTmJJYjc1fvxDJexIai2OlgC_xapGkWWef5D5IzyFhJVPHdUNBfDumMkvLbsvwKDuqL87QX2vljTQymamTyUIjbUqbLt-kzEk/s640/blogger-image--2039082365.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLv5DL0f_F3U4pxXzH4cQwVbPpM26H1oWVgQQM-9p4pmHTmJJYjc1fvxDJexIai2OlgC_xapGkWWef5D5IzyFhJVPHdUNBfDumMkvLbsvwKDuqL87QX2vljTQymamTyUIjbUqbLt-kzEk/s640/blogger-image--2039082365.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><i>Apparently the belly pic is a "rite of passage" for preggos everywhere. I'm trying to get with the program after avoiding exposure to things such as this for 9 years. I'm ready for the belly to look less fatty and more baby. Either way I'm proud and thrilled to to have gotten this far.</i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-52541493429175999392014-01-08T16:00:00.001-08:002014-01-08T16:02:58.398-08:0011w5d...Ultrasound Extraordinaire***Big Sigh of Relief*** Today's appointment with the specialist went great! Dr. A2 was almost all business. I don't know if you read yesterday's post...but he served me exactly what I wanted, he's going to follow me every four weeks, he says the babies look good, he said my weight gain and nutrition look good. He talked us into the blood test/screening...which I had no intention of considering. It will not affect the outcome either way, this momma would never consider choosing anything but life. He talked about other benefits of the info, and hubby agreed to it. They both had heart rates of 157...little matching hearts. The anatomy scan took some time, so we got to see them for a long time. There was a lot of moving going on! Baby A was a total show off! First view the baby was stretched out, legs out, arms up, like a relaxing on the beach pose. Little does the little one know, we don't have the skin for long laying on the beach! Hubby was worried that the little's knees were not working, voiced it, and next thing you know the legs kicked in and out as if saying "watch me Dad!". Baby A continued to perform the whole ultrasound, even when we were trying to focus on Baby B. Competing already!!! Baby A did give us a "bird's eye view". No twig and berries were observed! It's too early to be sure, but maybe we have a little ballerina in there? Baby B seemed to have a whole different personality! Hubby said it seemed like Baby B might have a personality type B...this one seemed to move only when he or she felt like it....started out facing away from us, moved around eventually as if to say, "ok fine, I'm up!". Waved at us a bit like "Hey mom, what's up?". Didn't come close to "assuming the position". We are going to have to wait for any real confirmation of the sex to the babies. My favorite part of the whole thing was seeing their beautiful profiles. It's the closest I've come to seeing the faces of my babies. I've loved all the ones that I have lost without their faces etched into my mind. To know even this much, to have seen the shape of each nose and chin, makes this even more real, and makes the love grow exponentially. So thankful for every part of today. Even thankful for the two hour wait, I met a lovely woman of God who did a wonderful job of distracting me from being nervous and nauseas. Her husband, clearly a mighty man of God, reminded me of the blessing God brings to us in the waiting. He made me want to revisit the Daniel study I never finished. I will have to consider it. They don't know it, but I prayed for every baby/momma/daddy in that waiting room. Prayed for their lives and their happiness. Then, later, I found my self in the presence of wonderful friends, some new, some tried and true, each so loving and invested in the success of this pregnancy. Everywhere I looked today I found love. Sometimes I can barely stand to be in the presence of such love, like my unworthiness gives me a migraine akin to the result of staring into the sun. I have to remember that each helping of love is served straight through God's image bearers to my heart. It's His way of holding me close here on earth. Boy did He make sure I received some extrasqueezes today. So thankful and humbled. Take a look at these beauties:<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMW8ZkKtz10rt5-j3jDsFQPXS4tqe9LQvwspOZbTpHgcajabfFdETeO2aZfpcWdH6sgBFdn95vGE82Fqu_P3qXL-Bs_m6quNJMon3yh_Evd0fItilJ3wXXmO6pHk3JtQd3GWp08T3y_3s/s640/blogger-image-1570186231.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMW8ZkKtz10rt5-j3jDsFQPXS4tqe9LQvwspOZbTpHgcajabfFdETeO2aZfpcWdH6sgBFdn95vGE82Fqu_P3qXL-Bs_m6quNJMon3yh_Evd0fItilJ3wXXmO6pHk3JtQd3GWp08T3y_3s/s640/blogger-image-1570186231.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-37323614724764753292014-01-07T16:31:00.001-08:002014-01-07T16:33:23.578-08:0011w4d...Back to work with a Bump<div><div><div>Hello friends. It's here! I'm in week 12! On January 11th week 12 will be behind us. Tomorrow, a new journey with the specialist begins. I'm seeing Dr. A2 (my specialist's name also starts with a...so we are going to call him A2) tomorrow at 10 for a consult and an ultrasound. I'm wondering about this appointment a little...what will be discussed...what will a specialist have to say about my history and the twinness, and the crohn's, etc. etc.? Maybe nothing...maybe to this specialist I will be no big deal? Twins are really common these days...</div><div><br></div><div>Here's the thing, I don't know that I want to be regarded as "no big deal". There is also not much room in here for an alarmist perspective. I would like to sign up for something from the "happy medium" menu. Something like, "we are going to follow you once every four weeks or so, but you are doing great, so I am really not worried". Where do I sign up for that kind of care?</div><div><br></div><div>Either way, here is what I am standing on lately in regards to evidence of success thus far:</div><div><br></div><div>1. I have now had 4 successful (perfect) ultrasounds. During the last one, on 12/30, these little lovlies MOVED! That is the kind of proof of life this girl needs!</div><div><br></div><div>2. My preggo symptoms are reliable. They follow the same pattern as others who have held their babies and gazed into their sweet little eyes. Here is an example...I read that around week 10/11 some women experience an "easing" of their nausea. This has happened for me too. I haven't thrown up in 4 days, and counting. The nausea isn't gone, which is both annoying and comforting. It's just eased....its more like it was in the beginning when I could eat when it started and distract my tummy into forgetting about puking. This is quite a relief, especially since I'm back at work and am happy to avoid more public puking. Apparently, around now, the placentas have taken over supporting the pregnancy, making the "holding on" to the babies less dependent on the HCG, which is what makes us feel so yucky. Maybe, because I have two placentas in there, it's happening a bit before week 12 is over for me? Also, these sea bands have really helped! They aren't cute, but they are "cuter" than puking!</div><div><br></div><div>3. I have a baby bump!!! It's undeniable now. It's a cute little bump that is spreading upwards every day. I've gained 11 lbs so far, but I can only see it in my belly. I wish I had my favorite paige jeans in maternity right about now! Until then, I'm settling for leggings and sweat pants. And I've pulled out all of my size eight pants...none of them are the straight leg syle I've come to love, but I can make due I suppose. This is going to be a fashion adventure to be sure, especially since I will look like I'm 9 months at 6 months with twins. If any twin moms out there have tips, I'd love to hear them!</div><div><br></div><div>Also, we are weaning off of the support meds this week. Thus far, there has been no symptom changes to report with the removal of half of the estrogen and the progesterone. I have had a crazy headache for a few days, but I think that is more about a sinus infection I'm fighting instead of a withdrawal from the estrogen headache. If I'm lucky, I will get to wait until actual menopause to suffer from one of those again!</div><div><br></div><div>So take a deep breath fellow hopeful sisters (and a few brothers). Jan 11th is 4 days away! Certainly we can do four more days. I feel like I've been playing this hard-as-hell game of "Red Rover" the last 9 years. I feel like this 12 week mark is some kind of marathon finish line, in my head this "finish line" is really made up of fearful people holding hands with an iron grip, waiting for me to attempt yet another run to try to break through the 12 week mark. Well this time, we have this God given peace that has wavered a bit due to my flawed humanity, but this peace has never EVER left. I'm ready to make another run at the red rover line. This time, however, I will be visualizing this line as comprised of the people who love us. And instead of an iron grip and fearful faces, I'm going to imagine arms thrown open in hugs. When we announced on facebook this week over a hundred people sent us love. We were overwhelmed by the response, and humbled to think of all the prayers for us and these babies that have stormed the gates of heaven these past nine years. We are so thankful.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-24207196501700337132013-12-31T06:59:00.001-08:002013-12-31T16:03:10.386-08:0010w3d...Unfolding Before Me<br><div>Yesterday was a good day. We saw the babies again! Both babies are still there! No one vanished! The vanishing twin phenomenon greatly worried me. They measured a little ahead this time. Baby A was 10w6d and Baby B measured 10w4d. Both had heartbeats around 168....considered normal during week 11. I had two favorite parts of the whole thing...</div><div>1. At first both babies were still and peaceful in there, all snuggled up. Then, the doc pressed with the ultrasound thingie, and each one, when engaged, moved all four limbs...did a little dance. It was precious to me. To see that evidence of life healed something in me. There were tears. And smile that shone right through them.</div><div>2. Yesterday I got to say good bye to my pal "wandy". Yes, friends, a new graduation day. Boy am I happy that part is done. The babies showed right up the "regular way". I am becoming closer and closer to a "regular girl". </div><div><br></div><div>My next appointment is 1/13. At that appointment I will be 12w2d pregnant. I will finally be passed that ever elusive safety point. In some ways, I never thought I would get there, never visualized what that would feel like, never dared to dream that far. It hurt too much. The consequence to that is, however ridiculous it is, this girl who has been trying for motherhood for 10 years, is nowhere near ready for what is coming. Nowhere near ready for success. I didn't even dare to dream it. What does that say about my faith in God? I'm not sure. I did a lot of dreaming about children in my arms, how I would nurture them, but the "how" they got there was never clear. The journey was always up to God. And now it's unfolding before me, miraculous, and glorious, in all it's wonder, something only a God who truly loves me could create. So maybe it says a lot about my faith after all? There was no secure plan, there is no choreography to follow. So I'll just strive to do one thing, snuggle up to Him and wait to feel the momentum of the curves up ahead.</div><div><br></div><div>The next "curve in the road" is beginning on Jan 4th, and it will surely be a faith walk. Hubby and I get to "step down" the support drugs. We get to only do the progesterone in oil shots every other day, and the estrogen patches are also cut in half. The end of the drug parade is Jan 11th. When 12 weeks are finally behind us. We are thankful that this expensive drug support is finally easing. We are also praying that there are no consequences for the cutting back. The babies look so healthy in there, let's hope their placenta's can take over the heavy lifting seamlessly.</div><div><br></div><div>Also, Dr. A wants me to schedule an appointment with the specialist. Not sure when, but the specialist's office is already calling to schedule. I'll keep you in the loop for when that appointment will happen.</div><div><br></div><div>And now, something I've been chewing on for a few days....a quick note of apology to anyone I have withdrawn from in the last few weeks: I am sorry for my absence. My heart has missed each of you. I am sorry for the distance. I think I understand the "why" and I would like to share it with you:</div><div>1. I am so tired. Scary tired. The kind of tired that makes me worry a little. I have been resting my mind and my body because I am trying to learn to listen to what I need, for them (of course). Its an adjustment for me to not pick up the phone and reach out, to cover in prayer instead of actual talking, to let that be enough. Know that each of you are not far from my heart, even if the frequency of our discussions makes me feel far away.</div><div>2. My tired brain is mostly thinking about how to avoid throwing up. Seriously, I'm overcome with how I physically feel, I'm trying to plan the next snack or meal, think of something I can stomach. It's made me obsessive, and I fear that all this focus on food in, food out, has made my relationships suffer. I'm truly sorry for that, and hopeful that there is some relief in this area soon.</div><div>3. I think that God was/is doing something with me spiritually. I think that only God knew how hard, emotionally and physically, this first trimester would be for me. I think that God planned some heavy lifting for me in regards to beginning to heal my broken heart, and He wanted me to have some space and time and energy so that He and I could do that good work. This momma has to be healthy and whole for these babies. Thank you for letting me have the space to do the work, and for loving me through with your texts and your calls and your support with blog replies. I know that you are right here with me, I feel you everyday, and I will be back to do my part in the future. Know you are not forgotten, you are loved, and you are always prayed for. I am thankful for each of you.</div><div><br></div><div>I pray much love and happiness and peace over each of you in 2014, this year of Hope. Thank you for coming along with me on this road paved with hope. I'm thankful for the company. Cheers!</div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-29044986172292927692013-12-27T15:58:00.001-08:002013-12-28T15:01:02.996-08:0010w0d How many times can I use the word PUKE? And how much
inappropriate punctuation can I include?...Who cares!<div>Finally...some time to rest. I'm loving being a teacher and being on holiday break! No work until 1/6! Except for a side project I can do in my jammies! This means a break from public puking. No enduring of anything annoying to my poor tummy (examples...no spectrum of people smells...B.O...perfume...dirty diapers..., no riding in cars when nauseas, no forced/trapped listening to stories I've already heard, no expectations to be charming). No hiding my grimace of yuckiness. The "grimace" means one of the following: "I think if I eat I may not puke, but everything I think of eating makes me want to puke", "I think what I just ate to avoid puking is going to make me puke", "I think that you stink and I may puke", "I think that I may puke for no apparent reason what so ever". No one around ='s no explanations, no extra talking, no hiding how I feel. Some at home time is just what this girl needs. </div><div><br></div><div>Week 10 is behind us as of today. And so we embark upon week 11. Monday we get to see these little lovelies again. I'm praying they are on target. My weight is creeping up which is good for twins. We will see where I stand on Monday. Dr. Luke's book says 25 lbs by 20 weeks. We started at 137, and with 10 out of 20 weeks down, we are at 143. Up by 6 lbs. Dr. Luke says that the weight of these babies at birth is directly related to how much I gain all throughout this pregnancy. My major goal is to be able to take these babies home with me, and breast feed. I want them with me from moment one. I want no NICU separation. My best chance for that is at least 6 lb babies. My best shot for 6 lb babies is to gain weight, good weight...protein...healthy weight all the way throughout this pregnancy. So far, I'm blessed and thankful to have gained with all the puking going on. Dr. Luke says if I gain good weight all the way throughout, then breastfeeding will take it off quickly after the babies come. I'm pretty sure I will never be back to my size 6, but it's all worth it.</div><div><br></div><div>I've been having such a pukey week. We are trying out ensure plus shakes. So far so good, the first one is staying down. Sweet hubby planned our meals for the rest of the week. Then he grocery shopped. He is serious about following Dr. Luke's advice. I'm so incredibly thankful for him. These babies and I are blessed to have him as our hubby/daddy. When I stand back and watch him taking care of us, and being patient, and worrying, and planning for our future, I am filled with awe and gratitude. We have both grown so much in these years of struggle. Of course, here in this place, when I'm chuck full of babies, it's easier to let all of the waiting make some sort of sense.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-12897817878404077312013-12-21T16:23:00.001-08:002013-12-21T16:25:56.638-08:009w1d A Mountain of Gifts and a Mountain of Days to Go!<div><div>Today I wrapped a mountain of gifts. I love wrapping gifts, tying ribbon, fluffing tissue...trust me its pretty close to as crafty as I get. I kept thinking that if all goes well, it may be years before I can wrap to my perfectionist's heart's content. Instead everyone will get last years gift bags, wrinkled or not, Christmassy or not, because friends we are going to be in budget lock down, and there is no way that two five month olds are going to let me wrap presents for hours on end. Yeah, no that ship has definitely sailed.</div><div><br></div><div>Only 9 more wake ups until my next ob appointment. To say I am counting the days would be a gross understatement. I misspoke in the post where I claimed this two week wait would be hard...because this is an 18 day wait...which is way longer that your usual TWW. Also, this morning sickness makes the days drag on, everyday they feel longer. By the 30th I should be 10w2d pregnant. I am praying that both babies measure on target and that both heartbeats are strong. I am trying to do everything right, take my crohn's meds, keep my vitamins down, eat protein, drink water, etc. Not all of these things are occurring though, not with the constant competing nausea, and with the going to bed really early. There just isn't enough time in the day to be perfect with everything. So I am trying not to think about any guilt equation if things are iffy on the 30th.</div><div><br></div><div>I also have to remember the three great ultrasounds we've already had. There is no evidence of anything going wrong. I just can't help preparing a little. All the while though, that quiet constant peace is still way down there helping me rest.</div><div><br></div><div>And in the meantime, we have Christmasness to get through. And, by the Grace of God, I have two weeks off to puke in private, and really rest. I do have a special project to work on that will bring in some unexpected money...it's just the kind of challenge I like to dive into. Maybe it will be enough to distract me?</div><div><br></div><div>I'm looking forward to the family time, and some time with my sweet hubby. Although, here's hoping he's better during labor than he is during the puke party. Poor guy doesn't know how to help, he keeps trying to talk to me during, like I can answer!!! I told him the best thing he can do for me is clean the throne for me and not make me wait for meals. He's been doing most of the cooking because this girl is going nowhere near raw meat! He's working on it. I love that man.</div></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-84355616389311477612013-12-16T15:52:00.001-08:002013-12-16T16:52:49.750-08:008w2d Preggo Meet my Cool Pal "Bessie"This girl is so sick. I have now become a veteran at puking in public places. It's a new flavor of awesome. I'm even thankful for this nauseous adventure. I'd be worried if it was otherwise during this latest two week wait. I am thankful for this data, for this proof, for this evidence of these babies. <div><br></div><div>So, I'm doing my job to avoid the nausea, and keep my head out of random garbage cans, I am eating the freaking world. I carry a giant cooler with me full of things I think I can stomach. I can be found shoving the contents of said cooler in my mouth at any given moment throughout the day. I met with more than one of my bosses today and in between semi-intelligent utterances, I shoved cheese and crackers, dried mango, and an uncrustable (yes, I am craving processed pb&j) in my mouth instead of breathing. It was completely out of control.</div><div><br></div><div>I hear that there might be some "twenty pound by 20 weeks" rule with twins. So far I've only gained a pound with 8 weeks behind me. With my Crohn's I'm guessing I might have trouble meeting this benchmark. My answer to that, a constant companion cooler. That thing is spending more time with me than anyone else in my life, except for my bundles! Maybe I should give it a name? How about "Bessie" since it's main purpose is to transform me right out of my size 6...which I may never see again! Feeding these babies is my most important job. I don't care what it costs me in the long run. There's always the gym. Besides, with two babies, I may never sit on my couch again! Which, by the way, is exactly what I've been waiting for!</div><div><br></div><div><img src="webkit-fake-url://182E109C-0E36-4430-8D2B-62A0BD7C97DB/imagepng"></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Meet "Bessie"</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-90266961484350589372013-12-13T11:49:00.001-08:002013-12-13T15:45:36.799-08:007w6d Preggo...I'm Just a Regular GirlSo, for the first time in 10 years I'm at my OB/GYN and I am not having ripples of emotional pain at the sight of all the preggos, and preggo related paraphernalia. I'm surrounded by baby themed, belly related schtuff, and I haven't cringed once. I fully remember how I used to feel. The memory is not gone. But I can't feel it the same way. It feels out of my reach. I realize that, on this side of the proverbial stirrups, I can fully see the girl I was, and I love her deeply in her pain. I long to give her pieces and parts of the peace I have now. I long to hold her, and show her the pictures of these two that will be hers. Although, back then that probably would have hurt too. <div><br></div><div>I can remember it all, but it is as if these two in me have given me an emotional epidural. I can't hurt for wanting for them, because they are here. Really here. Really a part of who I am even now. Their presence is such an overwhelming comfort to me. </div><div><br></div><div>Dr. A is awesome. He even complimented me for sticking it out and never giving up. He said he was proud of me. He has such a strong paternal presence. I'm thankful for him. He says I need to consult with a specialist because of my age and the twins. He also said that its ok with him if I need to see them (ultrasound) more than most. He understands that it will help me be calm if I can see them doing well in there. My next appointment is 12/30. We will get to see them again then. He looked again today, a pleasant surprise. The heartbeats were just a little higher today...164 and 158...two days ago they were both at 150. Here is the chart I'm hanging my hat (and heart) on...so to speak:</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisdLaM4MKXZK0z6Qx9Nnom3OojTVKb5EuJqXtGkvqZNkEKtGDLPjg8LRuHfrBkHZ4a6RGcQxPC1ZSaT-F0pe_YWuwn6POsWAsRl1ev3a0XyDvFPTNPo1Pur14Ks-9Q4cDbu7yEo6vEzsw/s640/blogger-image-241219403.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisdLaM4MKXZK0z6Qx9Nnom3OojTVKb5EuJqXtGkvqZNkEKtGDLPjg8LRuHfrBkHZ4a6RGcQxPC1ZSaT-F0pe_YWuwn6POsWAsRl1ev3a0XyDvFPTNPo1Pur14Ks-9Q4cDbu7yEo6vEzsw/s640/blogger-image-241219403.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I'm so thankful for this encouraging info. My God must know how much I need it. So It's time to settle in for another two week wait. Is this one going to be easier than all the ones that came before? I have no idea. I'm praying it is. These little ones are giving me lots of reminders of their presence. I'm surprised I don't look as green as I feel. I've got two parties tonight, and I will be lucky if I make it 15 minutes at each. Going to rest now while I can.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">When I wake up tomorrow, 8 weeks will be behind us. I already love them so much. So thankful. </div><br></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-66355172262654732912013-12-11T15:50:00.001-08:002013-12-11T16:16:16.850-08:007w4d Preggo...RE Graduation Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Today we had another great ultrasound. We are ready to tell our closest friends and family, and you that, by the abundant grace of God, we are expecting a double blessing in July of 2014.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3n8jLTafN2IQWZ3kktyKL7IjB-_RN_1W50i6UUTWFWIjTkjL95BiEk3wsKjwOPgGkW9467Mb6rn0lC4I0Qbt9_FNfxn5m917Ez9G7RoO75Rsn_6N90MH8hf3zA4FT3f9LqJ0wnR_0so/s640/blogger-image--845036922.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3n8jLTafN2IQWZ3kktyKL7IjB-_RN_1W50i6UUTWFWIjTkjL95BiEk3wsKjwOPgGkW9467Mb6rn0lC4I0Qbt9_FNfxn5m917Ez9G7RoO75Rsn_6N90MH8hf3zA4FT3f9LqJ0wnR_0so/s640/blogger-image--845036922.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We heard both heartbeats again! They got faster as they should. They both measured 6w1d at the first ultrasound and Baby A had a heart rate of 120 beats per minute. Baby B was just 9 beats behind at 111. These were VERY strong heart rates for little ones so young. 10 days later, today, 12/11/13, Baby A measured 7w4d and had a heart rate of 150 BPM. Baby B measured 7w1d and also had a heart rate of 150 BPM. The normal range is 120-160 BPM....so we are right on track. Very very healthy. We are thrilled, and thankful, and humbled by all the love and prayers. There couldn't be more prayed for babies after 10 years of hoping and praying and yearning.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We have graduated to "regular pregnant people" land. The RE's office will still follow us with the meds until 12 weeks....Jan. 11th. They will start to wean us off of them in a few weeks, and will do blood work once a week until then. It's time to try a new adventure of the regular OB. Not sure I'm going to like that much.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I am back to that feeling of peace. Now, with all this wonderful info, I feel I can embrace this peace that is a gift from God. I am feeling less fear, and more certainty everyday. I am feeling that these are finally my babies. I am more and more certain that these are the little ones that I will get to hold. These are the faces that will look back at me that first moment they are placed on my chest. These are the hands I will hold on the first day of school. These are the hearts I will teach and nurture. These are the faces that I will help to turn toward the Son.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">To my sisters out there who are waiting, hoping, praying, and yearning. I know what it can feel like to read news like this. I know that there is no way to avoid the deep reaction that would happen to me every time I heard of someone else getting what I so deeply wanted. I can remember it feeling different when it was someone who had struggled, someone who knew what loss felt like, and/or who had walked along side me loving me every step of the way. Know the love and the prayer that I have for each and every one of you. After ten years of building a prison for myself, the door is finally unlocked and gently opening up for me. It will open up for you too. To what (or who, or how) exactly, only God knows...but I promise you that prison will not be there forever. Keep believing, and hoping, and opening your eyes to whatever God has for you next, and maybe that prison will turn into a beautiful carousel, with colorful horses, that sometimes spins a little too fast, where almost nobody is sleeping, and where you smile so big for so long that your cheeks ache, and your hair always looks like a windblown mess, and everybody is too tired to care!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">These babies are miracles, and I know that my loved ones in heaven are fighting for them right alongside us. My grandfathers, Jake and James, my dear Dreama (I'm sure she's already made her presence known in heaven!), Eileen Scholl, Carol Throm are all up there guarding these babies. I am so thankful to my Jesus for the gifts of each of their lives and for their love and prayers all these years. I am so thankful to my Jesus for His great love, and for teaching me who He is along this journey. These babies already belong to Him.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-21391737893697215192013-12-06T06:31:00.001-08:002013-12-07T04:53:44.871-08:006wp3dt 6w5d This World is Forever Changed<div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPZAudMhQe92okGLHDXWm5VNYF2HC-jGeqSweufUwSuAoAN83JQ7RyUv5lzUFtK-khIc84jA17D4ulqyWoiVYuG0bXAG-BC2NlLhLE40zWgujKJWX8uk_cmYQnOAVyzgua3emCDjeWzR8/s640/blogger-image--1558772943.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPZAudMhQe92okGLHDXWm5VNYF2HC-jGeqSweufUwSuAoAN83JQ7RyUv5lzUFtK-khIc84jA17D4ulqyWoiVYuG0bXAG-BC2NlLhLE40zWgujKJWX8uk_cmYQnOAVyzgua3emCDjeWzR8/s640/blogger-image--1558772943.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div>I'm sorry you haven't heard from me. As is life's inevitable pattern for this girl, hugely wonderful news has been faithfully followed by something I've been dreading for the last few years. The loss of my beautiful and wonderful, classy and sassy Grandmother, Dreama, happened yesterday at 1:34 in the afternoon. She was surrounded by her equally incredible daughters. She died in her own little bed, in her own nightie, on her own pillow just they way she wanted. </div><div><br></div><div>Every time I saw her the past two years, I found myself saying good bye. I knew that we would lose her, and that maybe it wouldn't be in God's plan for me to be by her side. I am heartbroken that I can't snuggle up with her in her bed anymore, and feel that little extra squeeze she saved for me at the end of every hug. Every time I walked into a house where she was I would yell "Hello, my Dreama!" and she would exclaim in true Dreama fashion "Ohhhhhhhhhh it's my Cristy!" while rushing to greet me. It's funny that we would both describe each other with "ownership" words. As if we loved to declare to the world that we belonged to each other. As an adoptee, I think that the way she loved me, as if I was hers without an inkling of doubt, filled a hole in me and helped me become whole.</div><div><br></div><div>Dreama had a little box on her white kitchen table. In it are prayers for each of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. She prayed these faithfully every day. For ten years there has been a slip of paper in there for hubby and I, for this baby already so loved. I have long yearned to see a child of mine in her arms. Now, today, in heaven I choose to believe she's holding the one's I've lost, gazing into thier faces as I've longed to do, loving them and letting them know they belong the same way she loved me.</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibWWUORmbsd7dK2qc02Qb1HZbcpsUV4nVfbOR3B1XpoNWQpdySTL9wjV18CiSHJcQh0O6XiFBZmNycYeSKSWwv6Ytoi4w3eER3C3TNVDgaRA-ZWytSBvbIK-wEdPmEABJLyPlgyMOCAik/s640/blogger-image-1483459871.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibWWUORmbsd7dK2qc02Qb1HZbcpsUV4nVfbOR3B1XpoNWQpdySTL9wjV18CiSHJcQh0O6XiFBZmNycYeSKSWwv6Ytoi4w3eER3C3TNVDgaRA-ZWytSBvbIK-wEdPmEABJLyPlgyMOCAik/s640/blogger-image-1483459871.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I hope they have hard rolls with butter and strawberry jelly in heaven, I will be picturing all of them, in blue robes, around a little white kitchen table, that prayer box in the center, tearing off little crusty pieces of bread, while they are still too hot to touch, putting on a chunk of real butter, and the right ratio of jelly. Enjoying the company of My Dreama.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm headed to Buffalo to stand at my mother's side. If you're looking for me, you just might find me snuggled up in Dreama's bed, hiding under the covers having a good cry.</div><div><br></div><div>This pregnancy is one of Dreama's miracles. I've asked her to protect it. While she's gazing into the tiny little faces of those we've lost, I know she will move heaven and earth to make sure my arms are full as soon as possible. My Dreama would say, "nobody deserves it more!". Well I say, nobody deserves heaven more than my Dreama. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOqoQs_lBNfk-0cQGsEeA_XexnuJpgp12DHsjZy7uU0qQ1vrcor4kSjfSOPtr675fzouJO86Ne-7rA49CAWn1d34TZp6g31GKpH1lH4duPstx33nS8RochMWRlZ4b_h0EnvYkBF0rntyI/s640/blogger-image--1633476321.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOqoQs_lBNfk-0cQGsEeA_XexnuJpgp12DHsjZy7uU0qQ1vrcor4kSjfSOPtr675fzouJO86Ne-7rA49CAWn1d34TZp6g31GKpH1lH4duPstx33nS8RochMWRlZ4b_h0EnvYkBF0rntyI/s640/blogger-image--1633476321.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>I wonder if an angel's gown would include a feather boa? Well it should!!!!!</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-37134086636354908942013-12-02T16:43:00.001-08:002013-12-02T16:43:22.427-08:0026dp3dt 6wks1day Finally...We heard it! Praise the Lord!<div><div>Today is the day. Today is a major day in 10 years of infertility history. Today we have made it farther than we have ever made it before. Here is how today went down.....Later, I owe you the story of how God prepared me for today...a little preview...He let me know it was safe to go into today and rest in His peace.</div><div><br></div><div>This morning, and throughout today we felt surrounded with support. I was getting texts all day, thank you to everyone whether we heard from you or not, we know your prayers were holding us up.</div><div><br></div><div>This morning my hubby was lingering as we said good bye. The heaviness of what would happen this afternoon was hanging between us. He was kind of pacing around, and I knew he was looking for the right words. I could feel his heart in the heaviness, and I said "Thank you for us getting this far". If he hadn't said yes to this course of treatment, made it happen for us financially, and been there every step of the way, we wouldn't have an ultrasound to go to today. I wanted him to know, in a simple statement, that his faith in God, in us, and in our future meant the world to me...he thanked me right back. </div><div><br></div><div>Our appointment with the RE for our first ultrasound was at 3:15 today. This meant that almost an entire work day had to happen before the big event. That was torture. My partner at work did a good job distracting me until it was finally time to head home to meet the hubby.</div><div><br></div><div>When we arrived, we did blood work, and went into the same room where the empty uterus scan happened only 4 and 1/2 months ago. When we entered that room, all that I had experienced there washed over me, it stopped me my tracks a little. I went a little mechanical...got undressed, draped the cape over me, ignored whatever my hubby was saying, he was trying to distract me, hopped up on that table, and bowed my head in prayer. I prayed against the spirit of fear, and I asked for the Holy Spirit to fill every inch of that room. As soon as I did, the peace I knew, deep down, was there all along, was a tangible presence. I knew that what ever came next, would be the will of God, and that I would have the peace of God no matter what the ultrasound result was.</div><div><br></div><div>Then, it was as if God launched a campaign to give me the "normal ultrasound" of my dreams. Dr. T came in and gave us the "really early....might be too early to see anything, but you wanted really early, so here we are" speech. He said we may only see a yolk sac and no baby yet...My God said, oh yeah Dr. T....watch this....bam, right away, baby clearly visible!!! </div><div><br></div><div>Then Dr. T says, sometimes it's hard to see the heartbeat this early...and then... he said...ah...there it is...looks great.</div><div><br></div><div>Then the doc says....it is really early to be able to hear the heartbeat but let's give it a try....and then I heard the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It was already strong...120 bpm.</div><div><br></div><div>We measured 6 weeks 1 day which is considered RIGHT ON TARGET. That's right friends, today Dec 2, 2013 I am thrilled to report that we have experienced the elusive "normal ultrasound". My hubby has permagrin:). I am breathing a lot easier.</div><div><br></div><div>Honestly, I'm kind of in shock, and thrilled, and the boulder that I shoved over that place in my heart that holds all the hope, is all of the sudden feeling lighter, and smaller, even insignificant. Maybe it's because today pieces of my broken heart came together, maybe because my heart feels more whole than it has felt for years. My heart may have even managed to swell large enough to hold all the love and hope that exists for this pregnancy. I am beyond thankful to my Jesus. He heard every word of your prayers. Please keep them coming, we still have a ways to go. Another ultrasound in 10 days. Resting in His peace tonight.</div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-73241377258684818182013-11-30T09:52:00.001-08:002013-12-06T05:01:43.924-08:0024dp3dt Preggo...Sharp Edges of Rubble...Valleys of Peace<div>The last two days have been a whirlwind. Food, friends, family, thankfulness. Then yesterday we hit Epcot. On principle, the mouse is not my thing. I'm not a fan of any kind of faux fabricated festivities. Especially when the entry fee for one person would pay for 6 days of my estrogen patches. Besides, I prefer authentic, 'sneak up on you' beauty found in everyday life. Regardless of the mouse, there was beauty to be found on the faux streets of the countries we visited. My sweet niece kept seeking me out, she's a snuggler, and she growing so fast. We had a big group, which meant a lot of different agendas, tons of waiting around, and wrangling of little people and handling of drunkish people. My niece would come up beside me when there was distance between us and everyone else and lean in. I talked with her about "enjoying the process" and how she will see days such as this very differently when she looks back on them from an adult place. I also told her it's ok to feel her feelings now, whatever they may be. I couldn't dig into that with her, but I so mean to in the future.</div><div><br></div><div>We are only two days away from some uncharted territory that could be a sort of graduation day for hubby and I. This ultrasound could actually be "normal" and could be the key that unlocks the door to many significant benchmarks along this road paved with hope. </div><div><br></div><div>So if I hear the words "normal heartbeat" I think I will really be able to let some light into the place in my heart where I've hidden the hope, behind that giant bolder. I actually feel fear at the thought of that hope taking over. If that happens, and I feel my heart flooded with actual possibility, I am terrified that my wall of protection allowing me to take each step forward will come tumbling down, and then I will not be able to navigate around the sharp edges of the rubble, I will stumble over every bit of debris. I feel like once I fall, once I am wounded again, once I bleed, once I feel the intensity of the pain that can come from losing my self in the hoping and believing, I feel that I will melt into something no one recognizes, something with no sturdiness, something without the strength to stand. I fear I will never be able to continue on this road.</div><div><br></div><div>So today, with this reality in my face, and this big moment coming in just a few wake-ups, I have to be brave. I have to let God into the painful places, let Him heal each wound, and let him guide me through the rubble. Maybe the light of the hope that I allow myself to feel will help me rise above the rubble, and glide over the sharp edges, and feel the happiness that my baby deserves?</div><div><br></div><div>There are many many weeks between Monday and the end of the first trimester. It will feel like an eternity. Lot's of time and space in between to feel my feelings...maybe completely freak out...maybe in between freak outs I will find little valleys of peace. Maybe these valleys will be free of rubble, maybe instead there will be flowers and little white butterflies, or tall grass and sunshine. </div><div><br></div><div>Symptom update: running a low grade fever...99.7. It is making me miss a very important dinner date, with a very important, very sweet friend. She insisted I skip it and rest. I love her. Fever could be a very normal thing according to the extremely reliable web info I read. Also, the nausea is not constant, but its there. Eating a snack that includes some sort of protein is helping. Today my snack of choice was peanut butter and grahm crackers. Yesterday it was those little foil wrapped Swiss cheese thingies with cheese its. We shall see what tomorrow brings.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-88683919603967312782013-11-26T13:32:00.001-08:002013-11-26T15:37:05.203-08:0020dp3dt...The Beta BreakdownHad another blood draw yesterday. My fabulous nurse agreed to add a beta. Got the results today. They were really good. Here is the line up for my beta results thus far:<div><br></div><div>Beta 1: 11/13/13 8dp3dt HCG....39.1</div><div>Beta 2: 11/15/13 10dp3dt HCG...189...doubling time 21.08 hours</div><div>Beta 3: 11/18/13 13dp3dt HCG...1046...doubling time 29.17</div><div>Beta 4: 11/25/13 20dp3dt HCG...17,000...doubling time 43.5</div><div><br></div><div>Yep, I've been to the beta base....I know my levels are high. I'm preparing my heart for what that might mean. Actually, who can ever really be prepared for what that could mean! Even when you are an IVF momma, and every intentional act is documented. I must also remember the soverign hand of My Jesus. No matter what human decisions were made, I prayed the will of God over every single aspect of the process. I believe that whom ever is growing under my heart is there because God is in control. I also believe in loving them for how ever long I'm given. Nothing is certain, we have a long way to go. But that boulder that covers that place in my heart where the hope lives moved quite a bit today, about 17,000 bits to be specific! </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-31062068624725196712013-11-24T16:43:00.001-08:002013-11-24T18:04:29.100-08:0017-19dp3dt Do Not Be Afraid<div>This weekend my peace started to feel kind of in the background when compared to my fear. I was camping with people I love, and don't see often enough. Each of the ladies that I spent my time with are in different places on their journeys. Some have walked where I've walked and have since seen the face of a baby to love forever. Some are still lovingly waiting to see which path their journey will take them on. Others have no idea who I am, who I've been, or what this constant meal of patience pie, cautious cake, and sadness soup tastes like. Each of them sweetly loved me just as I am this weekend. I didn't have to work for it, I couldn't perform perfectly to earn it. I didn't have to explain myself, I was just there, simply Cristy, in their presence, and I was thankful. That was a gift from God because if I had to be present as celebratory carefree Cristy, I would have fallen flat on my face while attempting to "frolic freely". The reason... I feel like that war I wrote about during my last post is still raging on. My peace feels so far away, not gone entirely, but buried deep inside of me where I can barely feel it. It's like I'm the princess, and I'm on all those mattresses, and the peace is the tiny pea, buried under layers and layers of fear and worry and doubt. You see, I'm not sick enough, I haven't thrown up enough, my boobs don't hurt enough. My humanity is grasping at any sliver of proof/data that this one is different than all the ones that came before. I am fantasizing about asking my IVF nurse to pull another beta just so I can have something to go on until next monday. That's right, I'm fantasizing/ practicing my speech....what will I say, what will my compelling argument be? This is not the way I want to be feeling, this is not what I want my baby/babies to feel me feeling. I want for them what God has for them, His sovereign peace. I'm praying God will help me start mothering them now, and will settle His peace over my heart, so that it envelops them fully. </div><div><br></div><div>I think I mentioned in an earlier post about the chapel we prayed in the Sunday before the ultrasound during the first cycle. The chapel was dedicated to "Our Lady of Sorrows" also knows as Our Lady of LaSalette. I felt drawn to that little chapel during mass tonight, and after communion we went to pray there again. When I prayed, I asked that for that peace again. When I looked up from my prayer, my eyes focused on the wall next to the cross where big, beautiful, golden letters read "Do not be afraid". I asked my hubby to remind me of those very words while we wait for next Monday to come. He may not realize that I need to hear them spoken over me this week. I invite you all to help me hear them in the deepest parts of my heart, all they way through the mattresses, so that peace envelops all of us in an undeniable way.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-81924594494843135022013-11-20T08:28:00.001-08:002013-11-21T10:59:15.481-08:0014dp3dt and 15dp3dt and 16dp3dt There is a War Going On<div>I'm sorry you haven't heard from me for a few days. I've been chewing on something, and I'm going to attempt to capture for you in the meager attempt below. Here's the thing, we've got a really long way to go. I feel like there is no reason why I should have even an inkling of peace about this. But...somewhere in me, from somewhere new and unknown, do I dare say this out loud, I do have this strange soft peace in me about this pregnancy. That's how I know my Jesus is present all the way through this journey. It's gotta be Him, how else can I explain that I have this peace that surpasses all human understanding. </div><div><br></div><div>My "humanity" can't help but point out to to this sense of peace growing inside me that "my body has never protected a baby past 9 weeks". It's like until I pass each of the "traumatic benchmarks" I've lived along this journey my humanity can't rest along side this other part of me that feels this foreign peace this time around. Here are my traumatic benchmarks:</div><div><br></div><div>Traumatic Benchmark one: The Pregnancy Test Trauma </div><div>1. Yay! We've already passed this one! Every time I POAS and the line showed up a little piece of me started to heal. There is still a shrine of pee sticks on our bathroom counter. All lined up and meticulously labeled. I owe you a picture of that, maybe if you see it you will understand just how broken I am in this area. When I saw that faint line at only 7dp3dt, it was like God was launching a campaign to teach me to live a different story this time.</div><div><br></div><div>Traumatic Benchmark two: The Beta Breakdown</div><div>2. This one is last weeks news...This is the week of the Beta testing... This little number means everything to a hopeless hopeful. I only had two of these weeks under my belt. The first one was deceptively comforting. This second one has been out of this world awesome. I know better than to let it mean everything. I also know how to google to find the beta base, and have searched high and low to read what other people scored during the beta breakdown. All of this information means almost nothing, but that doesn't stop me from devouring it like a family sized bag of sweet/salty chex mix (you know what I'm talking about!)</div><div><br></div><div>Traumatic Benchmark three: Worried about Wandy....The First Ultrasound</div><div>3. This is the next benchmark I am striving for. 12/2 at 3:15. It feels like a million miles away, but really its right around the corner. This is where my "human understanding" is currently at complete war with the "peace that transcends understanding". In ten years, I have never had a normal pregnancy ultrasound. The first one at 8 weeks, our baby Gabriel Murray Lafferty measured at 5-6 weeks. The doctor said he saw a heartbeat, I started bleeding the next weekend. The loss occurred at 9 weeks. There were a few late periods, faint pregnancy tests, chemical pregnancies with clomid that followed. We never again saw evidence of a baby in my uterus. July 15, 2013 was the empty uterus scan from hell. To be honest, if that is my experience again, I just might have to be done. This girl just can't have another experience like that. The fear that I have that history will repeat itself is at total war with the weird unfathomable peace that I am feeling. I've never had even an inkling of this peace before. I pray with everything I am that this peace wins this war.</div><div><br></div><div>Traumatic Benchmark four: A Dozen Weeks Sounds Like a Dream</div><div>4. Reaching this benchmark will feel like graduation day. The faith walk to this day is going to be long and arduous. Between first ultrasound 12/2 and the 12 week mark is a little over 5 weeks. Its over some rough terrain....terrain like Christmas, and LOTS of family time full of hopefulness and uncontainable excitement. People may ask things about names and boy girl preferences and who might be the God parents. Before that 12 week mark, these things feel like daggers. Maybe that won't be the case this time, maybe that peace I'm feeling will envelope me and let me join them. I'm going to start praying for that too. No wonder regular preggo people keep pregnancy a secret until then. This is another burden of IVF, the knowing right away, the people who are closest knowing too. It's a thing.</div><div><br></div><div>So I'm going to have to think on what a plan to get through the benchmarks 3 and 4 might look like. With everything else in my life, if I can build a framework, I think maybe I can hang some curtains that remind me to embrace this gift of peace. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-78244038165548517122013-11-18T15:06:00.001-08:002013-11-19T07:08:43.914-08:0013dp3dt... Beta #3... Whoa!Well friends, our third beta was awesome. 1046. The beta didn't just double, its more than five times the 189 we got three days ago. I'm thankful for the reassurance that provides. I'm trying not to get lost in what that could mean. I'm trying to take each day and be grateful. Each day is one more day I get to hold them under my heart. Our first ultrasound will be 12/2. If today I'm 4 weeks and 2 days preggo...then I will be 6 weeks and 2 days when we take a look with wandy. That probably isn't quite soon enough to hear the heartbeat...but we will probably see it. If it's there to see...please, please let it be there to see.<div><br></div><div>I'm feeling a lot of action this time around...Pressure, pain when I laugh/sneeze/cough. Weird smelling pee. Nausea really started today. I'm ditzy...well ditzier(sp) then usual. I'm exhausted at 3pm and it feels like I'm trudging through mud until bed time. My boobies hurt, but aren't much bigger. I am thankful for every ounce of discomfort, every possible reminder that this could be really happening.</div><div><br></div><div>Where is my guy in all this? My hubby seems to be all about the science. He thinks this is really possibly happening because we finally know about, and are treating the Crohn's. He's saying logical, analytical things about these awesome test results. But that's not all folks, here's something that really got to me yesterday.... He prayed after communion at mass that he would get to see our baby's face. Ok, so maybe he's finally living this out of his heart also. The man's heart is breathtaking to behold, I'm honored anew every single time I get to hear words that came straight from that heart.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6451561878585487924.post-41080706088420050842013-11-17T06:25:00.001-08:002013-11-17T07:55:08.527-08:0012dp3dt Today is grilled cheese and tomato soupThere is something simple about today. Something uncomplicated. Something colored with pale, light, almost tranquil colors. Colors that don't challenge. Colors that don't soothe. Just the colors of softness, the colors created by natural light. There is no tryinging going on here. No real yearning. There is just being right where we are. Yesterday was a culunary experience, today is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Tomorrow will be soon enough for the praying and the hoping and the yearning and the worry to begin again. Today I am going to let enough be enough. I'm going to just be where I am. Today I'm not going to try to move the boulder. Today I'm going to build a picnic on it instead. Let the light of the sun tell me what to smile about, today I'm going to just be. Today I'm going to spend some time with the Son. Anyone wish to join me? It's lovely here...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0