5dp3dt...The Compulsive Search for the Implantation Bleed and My Little Buddies

Good morning!  It's Sunday, a perfectly normal day to sleep in, snuggle in with the hubby and the puppies.  After all I am hoping and praying that a few months from now sleeping in will be a distant memory.  What a thing to yearn for!  Instead, this girl is totally up. 6am, up, for no reason!  This is my new pattern unfortunately.  I am jealous of others who report that PIO makes them sleep!  I really wish that was the case.  Maybe it's because I stopped my melatonin?  I figure my estrogen is back to normal, so I shouldn't have that  "surgical menopause" can't sleep thing going on.  And yet, not really sleeping great.  I wonder, anyone else try melatonin?  My RE is not on board with me continuing to take it.  But I wonder if anyone else has had that experience?

These two are not happy that mom is out of bed!  They followed me out here grudgingly! But there they are, right by my side, always.  What a comfort to me they are.  The are snuggling a little closer than usual.  I wonder if they know?

Toby Trouble Lafferty (above), Charlie Choo (below).  They are my "beautiful disasters".  Sweet, snugly  bouncing brothers rescued and from the same litter. Half rat terrier, half toy poodle...We call them "weirdy beardies".  They've kissed and snuggled me out of many an "infertility funk".  I was built to nurture someone, they've been happy to be the subject of our affection the past five years.  They'd better be good at sharing!

On to the main topic of today's post, IT has begun. The next few days, days 5-7 past a 3dt, could mean that at any moment...the elusive...the ever exciting...the not often noticed by the "non-IVeffed" (coined by a fellow blogger), the symptom we all compulsively search for, the one and only "implantation bleed" evidence could be upon us.  Yes friends that compulsive behavior of watching closely for that tiny little dot of evidence is occurring.  I have provided a lovely white background for this phenomenon, and I am now engaging regularly in the ridiculous behavior of CLOSE observation.  We will do ANYTHING for a little extra bit of evidence that provides reassurance.  Even if it's gross.  Funny that we end up wishing to see exactly what we would do anything to avoid during non-IVF-IUI cycles....any evidence of AF!

Beyond the a fore mentioned compulsive search for a "symptom", other symptoms to report are:

Light crampiness, lots of peeing, some sharp fleeting pains near my ovaries...which I am "deciding" are due to stretching ligaments there instead of implantation in the tube! My hips are unhappily sore from the PIO, but not nearly as bad as before the implementation of the "Regimen" (see "here is my plan" post for details). My boobs don't hurt as much as last time yet...might still be early for that.  Only a bit sore, with the really sensitive nipple thing going on.

I'm brand spanking new to this blogging thing.  If you happen to stumble across this, I am open to feedback. TMI? Let me know.  I will get better at this whole thing I promise. Thankful for the opportunity to let some of the things I think about......out.  It relieves the pressure, so to speak. Rest in hope and faith friends.  TTYS

Update: there was barely anything to see....just a bit of light brown output.

4dp3dt...Here is my plan

So, this time around I'm way less frantic.  I even made a med mistake that didn't send me into a tail spin (6 extra days on 5 of lupron)....whoops...don't worry, doc said it was fine. Don't get me wrong.  I have analyzed what I could have done differently between the first cycle and this one.  I have employed a problem solving process.  I have logically and rationally decided the following (caution, I am about to totally geek out with IVF language/acronyms, who else cares to hear this stuff besides my sisters who also know to google "4dp3dt"):

1. My endometrial biopsy (the procedure that makes things more "sticky" in there) would be way closer to the embryo transfer this cycle...so points in the "+" column  (I was overstimulated the first time around and couldn't transfer until months after the endometrial biopsy...perhaps the stickiness wore off?)
2. Since last time there was no sign of the babies in my uterus, first beta was 122, second was 643, we didn't bother with a beta after that we were so happy with the results.  You would expect to at least see a sac....but nothing.  This time, whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I am really resting the prescribed three days, and then adding two for good measure.  So implantation is covered!My friend, a sister to me, questioned the source of this important information.  I challenge her to either verify or offer a replacement, and until then I intend to pour over it at will.
3. This time I will be with my blogging sisters where they are.  I will not look ahead to see if things worked out.  I will not read rambling posts of panicked people about symptoms or no symptoms on TTC support sites.  I will emotionally engage with bloggers where they are, and allow this to be an outlet to me, and I will contribute with supportive comments and also do the work to provide my own support by sharing...thus this blog.  I'm done just browsing and taking.  I am thankful for the support these blogs offered me the first time around.  There is nothing more isolating that this process (see my post re: the poem....line 1)
4. POAS....This time I will only POAS on 7dp3dt, and 9dp3dt with tests that measure 25 or less miu.  Here is why:
• I learned last time that tests vary greatly in sensitivity, gotta make sure that I only use tests that measure the smallest amount of HCG....otherwise with this early testing there is much unnecessary disappointment.
• If I get a positive on 7dp, this will mean to me that I have stronger beta HCG earlier than I did last time, the first positive with the first cycle was 9dp3dt, and those fizzled after the exciting 122 beta, and 643 second beta, I was not aware of said fizzle until the awful empty uterus scan at week 7, worst day ever.  So although it means almost nothing, I will feel illogical comfort if I get even a faint positive on day 7.  
• Also lots of people with multiples report BFPs on day 7.  Since I will not know until week 7 (which is a crime! if they can see a sac at 5 or 6 weeks they should show it to me!!!!! waiting until week 7 is unnecessary torture, especially after my empty uterus last time). If they want me calm, logical, and less stressed, and altogether more pleasant, they need to frigging give me information.  Sorry for the rant. Wait, no I'm not...
5. PIO....here is what I learned about this particular method of torture

• the secret is the a deep 10 min rub of the area before and after the stick
• My hubby uses Palmers to grease the area (dual purpose...if it will possibly ward off stretch marks I am so in)
• I limit heat to no more than 10 min before rub down
• the walk is also a good idea after the shot, but we have thus far failed to implement this step
• my goal is to manage to be in less build up of pain as we (hopefully) progress through the first trimester.  Last time by week seven receiving the shot was awful because of the build up of bruising.  We did not manage to keep up with a system, and I paid for it.
• Giving the shot can be traumatizing to your partner, they need encouragement, they need to know they are not at fault for the evidence before them (your cries of pain, your colorful booty, etc.)
• Do not give a PIO directly after the 10 min on the heating pad, you will have a bleeding geyser on your hands!!!! Not pretty, and traumatizing evidence to the shot giver.

So sorry sisters, about all of the detail.  I hope something useful can be found.  Either way, 4dp3dt, I have my little plan in place.  Through it all though I am absolutely aware that I am not in control of whether or not I get to gaze into the face of one of these babies.  That is up to my Jesus.  I can't mess this up, I can't perform perfectly to get the desire of my heart.  All I can do is rest in the knowledge that right now, they are nestled under my heart, and they know on some level that they are loved by their mother and father.  We are already mothers, each and every one of us.

INFERTILITY....an Acrostic Poem

I is for isolating, infertility will feel like an island....but thankfully there are cocktails!

N is for "naive hope" its the place we all visit at the beginning of a new cycle, a new leg of the journey, I call it the "hope upswing", each time the fall to reality is a bit less painful, which worries me.

F is for friend, yes ladies you can't do this without at least one real friend who "gets it" who has been there, who lets you feel your feelings and be where ever you are (thankful to God for mine, they know who they are)

E is for expensive, just think of it like an extra car payment or three.

R is for "Relax it will happen" aka. really annoying advice, platitudes, well meaning people that you may or may not want to smack regularly (I just imagine little miniatures of their faces in place of the bruises on my tummy when I'm going in for yet another stick!  Take that!)

T is for trust, trust your God, trust your doctor, trust your partner to torture you with PIO shots, trust seems to be a theme through out the whole process, trusting someone else and giving over control you never had in the first place.  I don't know about you, but when I meet my maker, I'm going to assure him I would've learned this lesson with a LOT LESS practice.

I is for intimacy and ice cream, my marriage has suffered during this almost 10 years of struggle, dates are extravagances we can't include in the budget (please see the "E"), we chose a local "twistee treat" as our regular date spot, our marriage is a work of art, a masterpiece in the making.

L is for loss, no one completely escapes this, the loss of a child or the loss of a dream (love+sex=baby HAHA hilarious)

I is for intense, yes everything about this is intense, it's not for the faint of heart, when you've been at it for 10 years, you will watch the weak fall away from you one by one, God let that happen to us so that I would learn it is only He who will walk with me, carry me, no matter what.

T is for truth, ladies, we gotta be willing to tell the truth about this to the world.  There are way more of us out there than we think.  We have to shine light in dark places to receive the love God has for us through his own hand and the hands of those around us.

Y is for "Yes it sucks", so so much of it sucks.  We are trudging though mud while other couples are skipping through fields of daisies (aka, preggo on frigging accident, on the pill, on the honeymoon).  It's also for "Yes you are allowed to strongly dislike these people, and any others who expect you to participate in baby showers"

Once upon a time: In the beginning and a bit of history...

DH and I met at a college bar called "The Mill". We've told the story a million times. Every time little things about it change. Who said what, who made which move, when we saw each other next, etc. etc. blah blah blah. What has stayed exactly the same, what was true then, and remains true today, 15 years later, is that my heart recognized that DH was the man God had formed just for me. That sounds ridiculous, I know it, I was 20, what the **** did I know? I think that my age, and the simplicity of my life during that season, the way I lived out loud, purely by feeling, is the exact reason why when I met this man, when his face became etched in the deepest parts of my heart, I didn't have any guile in me to refute it. It was the most real confirmation to any course of action in my life. It had to have been the sovereign hand of someone who knows and loves me better than anyone, my Jesus. Here is a pic of the napkin that started it all, yes we met before you just saved your digits in some else's phone (circa 1999) !

I had rules about giving out my #...so I got his.
Control issues? Um yes.

We got married on June 18, 2004.  And were open to the idea of parenthood from the get-go!

I can still remember that feeling of total hope and trust. Like a new world of submitting to God's plan for our family really felt like freedom to me.  I could see my life so clearly.  I had such certainty in my heart for what God was promising us.  I remember the beginning when I was nervous with anticipation that it could happen at any time!  I remember thinking those first two years, "It'll happen! We have plenty of time!  We are so young!" and "We aren't quite perfectly ready yet anyway..." (hilarious....who is ever perfectly ready?!?).  Now, almost ten years later, I reserve the right to kick anyone directly in the shins who dares spout off one of the above platitudes. Those and the hated "just relax, go on vacation".  Those people are in real danger.

Little did I know that our road to parenthood would be paved with more downs than ups...more blood, sweat and tears than "baby" steps forward...more loneliness and isolation than the feeling of building a family through the foundation of our love of God and each other.    

So here I sit, on my heating pad, at the end of 3 days of bed rest post our second three day transfer. I'm 35, and under my belt, literally, I know of 6 babies that DH and I have loved and lost.  One angel baby got to live under my heart for 9 weeks, and now rests near my grandfather at Calvary Catholic Cemetery   We lost two others at 7 weeks on July 15th, 2013.  We named these two Melanie and Max after the two children that Mary appeared to in La Salette France hundreds of years ago.  Another name for Mary is "Our Lady of La Salette" or "Our Lady of Sorrows".  After losing them to an ectopic (the end of my first IVF cycle) Mary became a great comfort to me.  During the first IVF, two babies didn't make it to blast/refreeze.  This made me so sad, to think of them never spending a moment under my heart.  My niece named these two angels Simon and Peter.  With each loss we struggle to find ways to remember those we have lost.  I want their little lives to mean something, and I want to hold onto the joy and the hope that I had when I held them, in the only way that I have ever been able to.  Still waiting for the day that this journey toward parenthood actually ends in the weight of a sweet little one in our arms.

Our first angel baby, buried in a special site for miscarried and aborted babies.  Gabriel was named after the angel Gabriel, who first let Mary know she was pregnant with baby Jesus.  Gabriel taught me that I could get pregnant, so the name made sense.

After the first IVF, we thought this would be a good way to remember those we had lost, there is a stone for each little one from left to right: Gabriel, Simon, Peter, Melanie, and Max.  Pretty huh?  The metal is real, but the stones are not.  Please, friends, we are way in debt with all these fertility treatments.  The stones are as real as they need to be to sparkle in the sunlight, just like the eyes of a child filled with laughter and play.