9dp3dt... The Darker the Better!

The darker the better, and I'm not talking about chocolate! Finally! Our BFP is showing up right away now!  I've decided that the "getting darker" is conclusive evidence that the numbers are getting stronger.  Time will tell.....specifically 7:45 tomorrow morning....my second beta... will tell!  Having some wierd achy pain when I move quickly on one side or the other.  I've decided that is my uterus stretching.  See how much "deciding" I do?  Really I don't know anything AT ALL for certain.  It's like we are all working toward some twisted merit badge for stepping out in faith...moving foward even though the ground beneath our feet is shakey at best. Apparently this girl needs extra tutoring....10 years of tutoring! Speaking of certainty, I will be asking my RE to take some extra diagnostic steps for me this time around.  Already so thankful for this early beta.  Knowing the number while those sticks took their sweet time darkening up really helped me worry less.  The first time around my first beta was 122 at 14dp3dt, the second was almost five times that number. These were pretty exciting numbers, and we all stopped worrying.  Until the worst ultrasound ever at 7 weeks.  To be honest, I have never had a "normal pregnancy" ultrasound.  Each one has been more devastating then the last.  If I'm going to make it through this pregnancy with any sense of peace, I am going to need a normal ultrasound as soon as possible.  Back to the "certainty"....In the name of certainty, I have asked that my RE break protocol and look in there earlier for me than he does for others. His rule is ultrasound at 7 weeks. I want one a soon as you can see a fetal pole/sac just so I know that the baby is in the uterus this time.  It doesn't sound like he is willing to consider such rule breaking.  He is brilliant, but he's a man, and a man on the spectrum of autism at that (him having high functioning autism is another thing I have decided). He has made a rule, and it would take an act of God for him to break it. We shall see how it all shakes out.  I will report back:).  I also want extra betas.  I want to know if the numbers start dropping before I get to the US.

Also, PRAISE GOD, I finally slept through the entire night last night!  I now know I was way low on estrogen after the BW they did wednesday.  I had to slap on two more patches.  I have the most expensive sticker collage on my tummy known to man. At 4 10$ stickers every two days, I'm going to need a second job!  But at least I will be better rested!  And maybe there is a little girly in there stealing my E2?  I sure do hope so.

Ok sisters, yes darker is better, I will take it.  Please pray for good strong numbers.  I should know something by tomorrow afternoon.  I am thankful for each day this baby (or babies) spends under my heart.  I'm feeling fuller with each passing day, and each day heals "my momma heart" just a teeny bit more.  Please Jesus, let me see this sweet little face (or these little faces)!

PS. Just a little shout out to the circle of sisters who physically and emotionally surround me each day. I may not hear your voices each day, but I know your hearts are yearning to scream with glee, and giggle, and toss names around, and kiss baby feet right along side me.  There will be time for that, I promise.  We will get there.  Thanks for sensitively following my lead as I navigate this slippery slope.  I love you, I can never thank you enough, or find the words to express what it means to me to have you come along side me all this time.  They say that God loves you through your friends.  No one knows that to be true more than me.

One more thing...my man.  My honey wants to know if we can trade unnecessary pregnancy tests for estrogen patches?  And, he actually said to me today "ok, I read your blog, now can I go back to building my miniature Death Star?".  He'e been lost in some iPad game lately....it looks like he's building a Star Wars themed barbie house to this girl!  Oy vey, this man is in for it when parenthood hits him. Really, I know this slippery slope is hard for him, he wants to protect me from pain, and, for him, for anyone, It's hard to predict where I am in this at any given moment.  He's doing the best he can and letting me lead.  I know this is all hard for him too. I know the face of his little one will heal wounds that he doesn't even know that he has.  He's doing a really great job with the shot, and with the shot intervention (aka, the butt rub).  I love that man, even when he's hiding in the Death Star.